Rest, But Don't Quit

     In 1 Kings, there are numerous stories of how Elijah is used by God to do great, powerful, mighty, supernatural things. He commands the weather in 1 Kings 17:1 by saying "there will be no dew or rain during these years except by MY command." (emphasis added) He is then guided by God to a place where he has access to water and is provided nourishment by the ravens bringing him food. When the water dries up for the lack of rain, that he commanded would happen, he is guided to a widow's house. While there, her supply of oil and flour multiplied so she never was out of supply. Her son passes away and Elijah raises him back to life. 

    Elijah leaves her house and then challenges the prophets of Baal to a "duel." God shows Himself real through Elijah in this encounter. Time after time God shows Himself to and through Elijah. Elijah was not unfamiliar with the realness of God. Elijah, of all people, knew the true God.  And yet....

    Elijah knew fear. Elijah knew exhaustion. Elijah knew doubt. Elijah knew frustration. After his encounter with the prophets of Baal, Jezebel tells him he will be just like them within a day's time. In other words, she said, by tomorrow, you will be dead. And he believed her. Elijah. Who has done all these mighty works through the word of GOD, hears the words of Jezebel and runs to hide. Oh dear Elijah, how I can relate to you. 

    In my 40 plus years of life, I have seen the power of God many times. I have seen people healed in ways doctors cannot explain. I have felt the presence of God so strongly I could not even stand. Working in ministry can be exhilarating, rewarding, and a great honor. But like Elijah, the word of the "world" can still cause me to want to run and hide. 

    Elijah runs after Jezebel's proclamation. He lays down under a broom tree and says "I've had enough. Just let me die." I think over this last year many of us have felt this same feeling. This is all too much. Just let it be over, in whatever way necessary. He saw God's people had abandoned their faith. They were not walking in the true ways of God (19:10). Elijah felt all alone in his faith and devotion to the true God. But don't stop with Elijah's story there. In response to his plea, an angel appears. The angel provides him with two days of water and food. God saw, and acknowledged Elijah's need for rest. He not only saw his need, but He supplied during his need. 

    GOD SEES YOUR NEED FOR REST. 

Once Elijah's strength is restored, God directs him to get up. Elijah's calling had not yet been completely fulfilled. Elijah is guided to find Elisha so he can pass his anointing on to someone else. Our experiences and walk with God are not simply for us. We are called to continue in our race until we have passed on our anointing to others. God will provide for us fresh nourishment to arise and complete this journey.

GOD WILL PROVIDE YOUR STRENGTH

God spoke to me today to stop beating myself up for resting. To stop feeling like a failure because those I've witnessed to have rejected His word and turned from truth.  He showed me, through scripture, that I am not the first person to feel like abandoning my calling and purpose. I can trust God to provide what I need to increase my strength to arise and continue this journey He has called me to. And if He will do it for Elijah, and for me, He can do it for you too. So rest, receive supernatural sustenance, and then arise. 

ARISE AND GO WITH GOD 

    

FULLY Known

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything.”

—Tim Keller

One of my favorite songs at the moment is "Known" by Tauren Wells. I heard an interview with him about the song and he referenced the above quote as one of the motivations for the song. I love this song because it talks about how we are FULLY known by God, and He still loves us. It's ridiculous grace to be FULLY known and loved by the creator of the universe. 

I think one of our greatest fears as humans is if others truly knew us, they would no longer love us. It is the reason we lie. It is why we post only the highlights of our lives on social media. If people knew our struggles, our addictions, our pasts, our real thoughts, they may no longer love us. Honestly, would they really even LIKE us? We seek to please and impress rather than seek to be real. How often do you hear someone talk about why they like someone and they make the statement, "They're just so REAL!" We desire realness. Or at least perceived "realness." 

The reality is, we can never FULLY know someone. We only ever know someone to the extent they allow us inside. Even within marriage, we only know what our spouse chooses to share. What they do when we aren't around can easily be hidden. How they treat others outside of our presence, cannot be known by us. What we think about in the secret of the night and what we feel cannot be known unless we choose to share with others. 

But there is a God who knows it all. He knows more about us than we know about ourselves. The reasons why we do what we do? He knows. The things we do in secret? He knows. The family history we are ashamed to share? He knows. The thoughts we have that we would never dare speak? He knows. He knows it all. And yet He STILL loves us! No matter what we do, He continues to pursue us. We can run, and He still chases. He won't let go. This overwhelms me! 

I don't know what you are fighting right now. Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed and overlooked. Perhaps you have wanted a relationship with Christ, but feel you've done too much for Him to still love you. I can assure you, there is no height, nor depth, nor sin too great to separate you from His love. He ALREADY knows you FULLY! He's waiting for you to come to know Him. If you need prayer, please message me and I would be honored to pray with/for you. 

Because Writing is My Therapy

I never knew a miscarriage would be so painful. Of course I could say I could "imagine" it, but that's a lie. Even though most of us know people who experienced this loss, until it is personal, there's no way to truly imagine how it feels. Whether the baby was planned or not, the idea of a new life joining the family is something you look forward to happening. In my situation, it wasn't just a loss, it was something that was pretty dramatic. Passing out at home, an ambulance ride, passing out several more times while in the emergency room, a surgery (and all that comes with being put to sleep for a surgery), and a hospital stay just added to what was happening. Tomorrow will be a week since this all happened. I'm still trying to process mentally and emotionally what happened. I have so many questions. Most I know will never be answered.

I am a person who rarely is home for longer than 24 hours at a time. Now, I don't want to leave my house. I ventured out of the house for the first time yesterday to go to a store. While there, I spotted someone I knew and immediately turned the other way to avoid having to speak to them. I don't want to see people and feel pitied or have to pretend everything is okay. I don't want the awkwardness of seeing people who knew I was expecting, but don't know what happened and so I'll have to tell them. Today my husband an I were touring a campground and walked into a room where someone had a small baby. I had to walk out because the tears came so quickly. I desperately want life to be "normal" yet nothing feels normal anymore. I know much of what is happening is due to the hormones that are going crazy in my body. The doctor explained how it's much like what happens after every pregnancy. But in this case, there's no new baby to remind me why this was all worth it.

To every friend and family member who has had a miscarriage, I'm so sorry I was not there for you. I'm so sorry I didn't realize how much this can change your life. It has been many of you who have messaged me and given me encouragement through this last week. It is a friend who has experienced this that was here with me when I passed out and she remained calm as she called 911.  In the last week I've learned of how many of you have walked this road. Thank you to each of you for sharing your stories with me. Thank you for encouraging me to feel whatever it is I feel. Thank you for not being the ones who have said stupid things that imply I somehow did something to cause this or that "maybe God was just saying you shouldn't have had that baby." (yes, I heard that exact thing).

What I can say I've learned in this last week is how much my husband loves me. If I ever doubted him, I can't now. He's been so patient and caring, even while I know he has been processing his own feelings. As he's been hurting too, he started working a second job so I can stay home and rest. When I had my moment today because I saw a baby, he hugged me and reassured me it was okay to be upset and to take all the time I needed to recompose myself. He's told me more times than I can count that I'm his champion. I am pretty sure he told all the people in the hospital that too. He's reminded me many times this was not my fault and there's nothing I did to cause this. I'm pretty sure every mom has these thoughts, no matter how much we KNOW it's not true.

While I may never understand the purpose of this, I do see how God has used this to draw us closer together and to strengthen our marriage. I know this is not the case with all couples. I know trials and loss can often destroy a relationship. I'm grateful that in our case, it has made us stronger. I trusted Jesus two weeks ago and I still trust Him now.

I don't really know the point of the post. I pray it will help someone who has been through this or who is going through this. I pray it will help someone who reads this and knows someone who is experiencing this and encourages you to think before you speak (PLEASE don't say anything to imply it was her fault) and helps you realize even if she seems ok, she's likely still hurting deeply. It's okay to acknowledge the loss. There was a life she carried and now she isn't. If she cries, it's okay. It's not you. She's just trying to find her normal again.

I Have Issues

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and a sound mind." 

2 Timothy 1:7

Have you ever felt you were healed of an issue only to discover you still had more healing to do? This is the reality that has been staring me in the face lately. I was naive enough to believe I had dealt with the trust issues I had....and then I had to actually trust someone. It's easy to think we have dealt with our issues if we never are in situations that cause us to face our issues. I'm finding marriage causes me to face not just this issue, but all of my issues. Whether it's trust, abandonment, doubt, or any of my other issues, I'm beginning to understand all of them go back to one root. The root of them all is fear. And fear is never from God. 

"There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because He first loved us." 

1 John 4:18

I'm reminded daily that to love perfectly is to trust. I love God. And I trust Him. There are many times I don't understand why He does what He does, but I trust His ways are greater and wiser than mine. Having been single and on my own for most of my life, it's a process to transfer this kind of trust to another human. Because most of the people I chose to trust in the past let me down greatly. And that statement is something God just revealed to me as I typed. They were the people I CHOSE to trust. My choosing in the past was all made on my own. I didn't seek God's help in making decisions. Things are drastically different now! 

I married my husband shortly after we met. I realized this past week we have been married for longer than we dated. Very little about our relationship has gone according to my plan. I was always afraid to let down my wall enough to allow anyone inside. Yet, when I met my husband, I knew it was time to choose to give him a chance. God gave me complete peace about moving forward with the decisions we made. And I have to ask him to remind me of this peace when my issues arise and cause me to feel anxious. 

An issue arose yesterday that caused me to overreact to something. Later in the day my husband said how thankful he was for me and how much he appreciated me. I made a comment about what happened earlier in the day. His response floored me. He said, "I know this is one of your issues. And I don't know how to fix it. I can't take away the hurt others caused you. But what I can do is love you even with these issues. Until death do we part. Because that is what I promised." He has no idea the impact his seemingly simple words had on me. 

Perfect, Christ-like love, casts out fear. I saw my husband look like Christ yesterday. Because God loved us, we can learn how to love. Because I trust God, I can trust His plan in choosing my husband. So as I'm learning to trust a human, I fall back on my trust of God. I know His plan for me is good and not to harm me. 

Is there an area in which you are experiencing fear? Are you having to confront your issues? I pray you call on the name of your Father when stress and anxiety begin to arise in your life. Don't let the enemy steal any more time from you because of fear. 

One Man's Trash.....

Sometimes I think I can be a little too honest. Not the kind of honest most people claim to be when they tell others what they really think, but in reality are being hurtful. I'm honest about myself. I'm honest about my past. And I'm learning to be more honest about my present. As my pastor recently said, "Everyone loves to hear about our struggles before we came to know Christ, but nobody wants to hear about how we struggled last week." I'm learning in my walk with God that as He brings awareness and healing to one area of my life, there is always something else waiting in line to be dealt with next. When God is dealing with me, the outlet I find is through writing about what He is showing me. I believe if there is an area in which I struggle, then there has to be at least one other person who battles the same thing. So here's where, yet again, I get very real. 

I feel disposable. Disposable is defined in the adjective meaning as, "intended to be used once, or until no longer useful, and then thrown away." When used as a noun it means, "an article designed to be thrown away after use." To say I feel disposable seems like such a harsh thing to say. It pains me even to type the words. However, as I've been reflecting over the relationships I've had in my life, I can't help but feel as if most people have viewed me in just this way. 

In my youth my parents always made a mate in their life a priority over me. My dad left and remarried and I became the stereotype of a stepchild. My mom's boyfriend was an alcoholic who frequently called me names and threatened physical violence. I was told many times, "Once you do this, then no good man will ever want you." So I believed it. The list of men who used me and "disposed" of me is long. Even the men with whom I have birthed children do not speak to me. We can be in the same room and I barely get a hello. I have family members who have "disowned" me over something that happened with another family member several years ago. Although I have made an effort to reach out and re-establish contact with them, these requests have been ignored. When a sibling divorced, her husband, whom I've known my entire life, stopped speaking to me and has carried on his life as if I've never existed. This was the one man, who for over 30 years was the only constant male present in my life. There have been friendships that were ended with a simple, "I can't be friends with you anymore because you don't do _____ for me enough." Even pastors, who have preached to me about my value, have heard a rumor that I was leaving the church and dismissed me with a simple, "Good luck" email. These are just a few of the examples of why I fight the battle I fight. 

These are also the reasons why I keep up a pretty good wall. God is showing me more and more of how I'm keeping people out and how this is not His plan. He's revealing to me that none of the above mentioned events were ever a part of His plan. His plans are never to harm us. Some of the events came about as the result of my own choices, while most were the results of the choices made by others. This is why our choices are so powerful. They not only affect us, but others as well. While we may make choices we think are right at the moment, we make then without considering the long term affects they will have on others. 

As I'm in the midst of the battle of feeling valued, I'm having to immerse myself in the word of God. I'm constantly reading scriptures that tell me how He sees me. I'm listening to music that reminds me I do have value. Sometimes a broken bone heals improperly and has to be broken again to be reset correctly. I am having to open old wounds and ask God to pour His oil of love over them so they can be healed by Him. I'm having to go through the list of "offenders" and ask God to show them to me as He sees them. As I'm going through each one I am beginning to see the wounds they carried and how those wounds were pivotal in the wounds and injuries they inflicted on myself and others. The phrase, "Hurting people hurt people" is definitely an understatement. 

I've asked God many times why He has placed me in a ministry that works with women who have been trafficked, prostitutes, strippers, alcoholics, and drug addicts. He is showing me that in my brokenness of feeling like I don't "fit" that I am most able to relate to these women. These too are women who have been treated as disposable. As I am speaking the word of God over them, I am also speaking it over myself. As I tell them they are loved, He is telling me I am loved. As I am accepting them just as they are, He reminds me of His acceptance, just as I am. Every time I tell them God has a plan for them, He is reminding me He has a plan for me. When I tell them they are worthy of love, He tells me I am worthy also. 

I shared the content of this blog with a friend via text message. She promptly replied, "I would never throw you away!" I thank God for the people He has brought into my life who love me just because they do. Not because of what I do or don't do for them, but just because they see I have value. The one thing I tell my daughters over and over is "I love YOU! Not what you do or don't do. Not because of what you wear or how you behave. I just love who YOU are." I want them to know they are worthy of love just because they are alive and God created them to be just the way they are. What I'm learning in this process I'm going through is God feels the same way about me. 

He loves ME.
He values ME.
He adores ME.
He created ME for a purpose.
He pursues ME.
He longs for ME.
He wants to spend time with ME.

Because what man may see as trash, He sees as His treasure.

When I don't fit in and I don't feel like I belong anywhere
When I don't measure up to much in this life
Oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ

Healing

While I don't know all of you personally, I would bet that all of you have experienced some type of hurt in your life. For many, it could be as deep as sexual abuse as a child, a parent who left or maybe just wasn't there emotionally, or betrayal by a friend. The list of possible hurts is endless. However, our Father in heaven has seen them all. Not only has He seen them all, He has felt them all. Every time you have cried and felt nobody cared, He saw your tears and His heart broke for your pain. When that person was abusing you, He was crying and shouting NO! She's my daughter. Yet, He also saw your abuser and cried for the path they chose because they are His child too.

Many people live in denial and shame because of their past. The greater the hurt, the deeper the shame. Some of you may even blame yourselves for things that happened that were beyond your control.

My precious sister, it's time to let it go. It's time to let go of the shame and start letting those wounds heal. If a physical wound is covered without attention, it will become infected and eventually affect the rest of the body and could even cause death. The same is true for our emotional wounds. Without dealing with them, they fester. They are toxic to our souls. Without allowing forgiveness to enter, we can never experience the freedom and joy Christ died to give us.


"Then they were on the road. They preached with joyful urgency that life can be radically different; right and left they sent the demons packing; they brought wellness to the sick, anointing their bodies, healing their spirits." Matthew 6:12 MSG


I pray today is the day you choose to send those demons packing and let Christ in to heal your spirit!


I've added this link to an amazing song by Matthew West. I pray it ministers to you today:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Whb-XSOog8k