Because Writing is My Therapy

I never knew a miscarriage would be so painful. Of course I could say I could "imagine" it, but that's a lie. Even though most of us know people who experienced this loss, until it is personal, there's no way to truly imagine how it feels. Whether the baby was planned or not, the idea of a new life joining the family is something you look forward to happening. In my situation, it wasn't just a loss, it was something that was pretty dramatic. Passing out at home, an ambulance ride, passing out several more times while in the emergency room, a surgery (and all that comes with being put to sleep for a surgery), and a hospital stay just added to what was happening. Tomorrow will be a week since this all happened. I'm still trying to process mentally and emotionally what happened. I have so many questions. Most I know will never be answered.

I am a person who rarely is home for longer than 24 hours at a time. Now, I don't want to leave my house. I ventured out of the house for the first time yesterday to go to a store. While there, I spotted someone I knew and immediately turned the other way to avoid having to speak to them. I don't want to see people and feel pitied or have to pretend everything is okay. I don't want the awkwardness of seeing people who knew I was expecting, but don't know what happened and so I'll have to tell them. Today my husband an I were touring a campground and walked into a room where someone had a small baby. I had to walk out because the tears came so quickly. I desperately want life to be "normal" yet nothing feels normal anymore. I know much of what is happening is due to the hormones that are going crazy in my body. The doctor explained how it's much like what happens after every pregnancy. But in this case, there's no new baby to remind me why this was all worth it.

To every friend and family member who has had a miscarriage, I'm so sorry I was not there for you. I'm so sorry I didn't realize how much this can change your life. It has been many of you who have messaged me and given me encouragement through this last week. It is a friend who has experienced this that was here with me when I passed out and she remained calm as she called 911.  In the last week I've learned of how many of you have walked this road. Thank you to each of you for sharing your stories with me. Thank you for encouraging me to feel whatever it is I feel. Thank you for not being the ones who have said stupid things that imply I somehow did something to cause this or that "maybe God was just saying you shouldn't have had that baby." (yes, I heard that exact thing).

What I can say I've learned in this last week is how much my husband loves me. If I ever doubted him, I can't now. He's been so patient and caring, even while I know he has been processing his own feelings. As he's been hurting too, he started working a second job so I can stay home and rest. When I had my moment today because I saw a baby, he hugged me and reassured me it was okay to be upset and to take all the time I needed to recompose myself. He's told me more times than I can count that I'm his champion. I am pretty sure he told all the people in the hospital that too. He's reminded me many times this was not my fault and there's nothing I did to cause this. I'm pretty sure every mom has these thoughts, no matter how much we KNOW it's not true.

While I may never understand the purpose of this, I do see how God has used this to draw us closer together and to strengthen our marriage. I know this is not the case with all couples. I know trials and loss can often destroy a relationship. I'm grateful that in our case, it has made us stronger. I trusted Jesus two weeks ago and I still trust Him now.

I don't really know the point of the post. I pray it will help someone who has been through this or who is going through this. I pray it will help someone who reads this and knows someone who is experiencing this and encourages you to think before you speak (PLEASE don't say anything to imply it was her fault) and helps you realize even if she seems ok, she's likely still hurting deeply. It's okay to acknowledge the loss. There was a life she carried and now she isn't. If she cries, it's okay. It's not you. She's just trying to find her normal again.

Sometimes You Lose to Gain

My dad had part of his leg amputated this week. I know this doesn't directly concern me, yet I've had to deal with my share of emotions surrounding this change in his life. Over the last several years he has had 8 surgeries on the same leg due to blood clots and other issues. We visited him a couple weeks ago for his birthday and he said there would be no more surgeries if the problem arose again. He knew amputation was the next option. Several days after we left, his leg began hurting again. Even though I knew what was going to happen, I've had to deal with a roller coaster of emotions. The biggest being the knowledge my dad will never "walk" me down the aisle. My husband and I were married in January, but are planning a ceremony and reception for the fall. My dad mentioned several times how he wanted to walk me down the aisle. That is no longer possible. In fact, based on the date we have picked out and the rehab time for him, he may not be able to be there at all.

Then there is the change in how I see my dad. I know as our parents get older, how they are and how we think of them doesn't always align. My dad has always been one of the strongest (and most stubborn) people I've ever known. He was a Marine. And not just any Marine. He's a 20 year, served in Vietnam driving a tank and earned a Purple Heart Marine. For him to admit he's in extreme pain means he is in a LOT of pain.

Today I received a picture of my dad's new leg...or lack of. I asked how he was handling the change and I was told, "It doesn't hurt anymore." This brought tears as I thought of how true this is for much of our life. In order to find healing, sometimes we have to lose, or cut, something off. The pain of keeping something, or even someone, can be so great the only way to not be in pain is to be willing to let go. It may not be something as extreme as a limb. Perhaps it's a friendship. Or a job. Sometimes it's letting go of a dream or pursuit if the pursuit is causing pain and misery. What once was good, is no longer good, but infected and if not treated or removed could bring death.

Lately I've been feeling God has been telling me it is time to let go of some things in my life that at one time were good and useful, but now bring stress and pain to my life. While they may not bring a physical death, if I continue to hold on to them, they could bring a spiritual and emotional death. Hearing the statement from my dad of how, "It doesn't hurt anymore," has confirmed it is time to let go of certain things. Instead of stressing over the, "But what about this...." type of questions I've been asking God, I know it is time to trust Him again. There are changes happening that don't make sense to me, and yet I know they are from God. The peace is found only in the losing.

Have you had to let go of something in order to find healing? Is there something in your life causing pain and sickness and God is telling you it's time to let it go. I pray He gives you peace to trust Him and let go. Even though it may cause a limp, it's worth not living in pain anymore.

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. 

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? 

I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." 

Isaiah 43:18-19

I've set up a Tupperware fundraiser for my Dad. 40% of all purchases will be donated to help him in remodeling the bathroom in his home. You can visit http://www.tupperware.com/?fundraiser=55d649b7a0da73531f7bae74 to shop the fundraiser.