Monday morning I checked my Facebook and the very first post I saw referenced a precious friend and it appeared the post was a "thanks for all the memories" post. My immediate thought was denial and this couldn't possibly mean what I thought it meant. So I viewed the friends page and saw other posts that seemed to confirm what I suspected. My friend had died. She was 33. She was healthy. This can't POSSIBLY be true.
You see, my friend was amazing. She was loving. She was beautiful. She was vibrant. She was full of life! She was so many things I wished I could be when it comes to her boldness for telling others of Christ. She was the boldest, bravest, most loving person I've ever met. I remember the first time I met her. A friend of mine was having dinner with her to discuss a concert outreach she was planning called Invasion. My friend asked me to join him to take notes about what they discussed. We met at a small restaurant in Concord, NC for a meeting that would forever change my life. As she discussed her background and shared her testimony, I remember sitting at the table thinking...WHO IS THIS WOMAN!?!?!? I knew I was in the presence of someone great. What made her even more beautiful is she didn't know just how amazing she was. She was normal. She was full of life and love for everyone. I've known many preachers who, as they become more well known, develop an arrogance and inability to relate to people who aren't as "cool" as them. She never became that type of preacher. In fact, her gift showed greatest not when she was on stage with a microphone, but when she was in the streets of Charlotte at 10 pm on a Friday night ministering to the homeless. It showed when she was searching everywhere for one particular homeless man that had stolen her heart. It showed as she would call numerous places in search of placement for someone who wanted help for their addictions. She would even drive them there personally if that is what it took.
To find out she had left this world has been one of the biggest blows of my life. My opportunity of working with her is what led me to meeting the founder of Justice Ministries and my work with them. It led to me working with women who had been sex trafficked. If not for her, and for her embracing me in her ministry, my life may have taken a very different turn. We met at a time when I had recently quit my job in the corporate world and was asking God what I should do next. She helped me find that path. She encouraged me to continue writing. She was an example of what it means to truly be in love with Jesus.
And now she's gone.
So this week has been hard. I've felt guilty. Guilty because I haven't seen her in person in years, even though we often talked of getting together. Guilty that I knew she had been through a difficult time over the last couple years, but I didn't do more to reach out to her. Guilty that I didn't do more to make sure she knew how valuable she was to me.
I've been angry. Angry at God. I trust in Him. I KNOW His plan is perfect. I know He would not have taken her home if it wasn't her time. But I'm selfish and I feel she should have had more time here. She shared Jesus with thousands.....tens of thousands....maybe even hundreds of thousands if not more. The world needed her here. Who will I text now about John Stamos, Johnny Cash, and other jokes we shared? I've been angry at my husband and kids. God bless them for living with me this week.
I've been sad. Overwhelmingly sad. Crying every day sad. It just doesn't seem fair. I think of her mom. Oh, her sweet mom. How my heart breaks for her as she knows her daughter is now with the love of her life, but absent here. Sad at all she never got to do. Sad at the pain she must have been through over the last couple years and sad the ending was not a happy one. Sad I didn't get to see her more often. Sad her nephews will likely not have memories of her and how awesome she was. Sad she never had children of her own.
And then I become angry again. I'm angry at those who speak slandering her and claiming that because she was human with weaknesses, she must have been fake about how she loved Jesus. Angry at people persistently asking me what happened to her and these people never even really KNEW her. It takes everything in me to not respond, "She DIED! That's what HAPPENED!" I know they don't understand I'm grieving. To me, she wasn't an evangelist. She was a friend.
As I've been experiencing all these emotions this week, I did have a moment that made me smile today.
I heard this song on the radio and as I listened to the words, I could hear her singing and I could see her dancing with Jesus as she sang.
Alone in my sorrow and dead in my sin
Lost without hope with no place to begin
Your love Made a way to let mercy come in
When death was arrested and my life began
Ash was redeemed only beauty remains
My orphan heart was given a name
My mourning grew quiet my feet rose to dance
When death was arrested and my life began
Oh, Your grace so free
Washes over me
You have made me new
Now life begins with You
It's your endless love
Pouring down on us
You have made us new
Now life begins with You
Released from my chains I'm a prisoner no more
My shame was a ransom He faithfully bore
He cancelled my debt and He called me His friend
When death was arrested and my life began
Tomorrow I'll attend the celebration of her life. Honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. I don't WANT to tell her goodbye. I don't WANT this to be real. But I promised her I would see her soon, so I'll go. And I'll be thankful I had the privilege of knowing her. I appreciate that God granted me the opportunity to have her in my life. I am thankful for all she taught me and the way she has challenged me to be bolder. To not hold back in showing love to others, especially those who can never possibly repay me for that love. She has challenged me to tell others about Jesus and all He has done for me. Because there is still work to do. I know she would expect all who knew her, to continue the work He started with her. To all those who knew her, I am praying for you. I hope this helps you to know you aren't alone. May we all reach out to others more.. May we all take the time to grab coffee or dinner instead of always just talking about doing it. May we all show love as Jesus did and she did.
Fly high sweet Amy.
