One Man's Trash.....

Sometimes I think I can be a little too honest. Not the kind of honest most people claim to be when they tell others what they really think, but in reality are being hurtful. I'm honest about myself. I'm honest about my past. And I'm learning to be more honest about my present. As my pastor recently said, "Everyone loves to hear about our struggles before we came to know Christ, but nobody wants to hear about how we struggled last week." I'm learning in my walk with God that as He brings awareness and healing to one area of my life, there is always something else waiting in line to be dealt with next. When God is dealing with me, the outlet I find is through writing about what He is showing me. I believe if there is an area in which I struggle, then there has to be at least one other person who battles the same thing. So here's where, yet again, I get very real. 

I feel disposable. Disposable is defined in the adjective meaning as, "intended to be used once, or until no longer useful, and then thrown away." When used as a noun it means, "an article designed to be thrown away after use." To say I feel disposable seems like such a harsh thing to say. It pains me even to type the words. However, as I've been reflecting over the relationships I've had in my life, I can't help but feel as if most people have viewed me in just this way. 

In my youth my parents always made a mate in their life a priority over me. My dad left and remarried and I became the stereotype of a stepchild. My mom's boyfriend was an alcoholic who frequently called me names and threatened physical violence. I was told many times, "Once you do this, then no good man will ever want you." So I believed it. The list of men who used me and "disposed" of me is long. Even the men with whom I have birthed children do not speak to me. We can be in the same room and I barely get a hello. I have family members who have "disowned" me over something that happened with another family member several years ago. Although I have made an effort to reach out and re-establish contact with them, these requests have been ignored. When a sibling divorced, her husband, whom I've known my entire life, stopped speaking to me and has carried on his life as if I've never existed. This was the one man, who for over 30 years was the only constant male present in my life. There have been friendships that were ended with a simple, "I can't be friends with you anymore because you don't do _____ for me enough." Even pastors, who have preached to me about my value, have heard a rumor that I was leaving the church and dismissed me with a simple, "Good luck" email. These are just a few of the examples of why I fight the battle I fight. 

These are also the reasons why I keep up a pretty good wall. God is showing me more and more of how I'm keeping people out and how this is not His plan. He's revealing to me that none of the above mentioned events were ever a part of His plan. His plans are never to harm us. Some of the events came about as the result of my own choices, while most were the results of the choices made by others. This is why our choices are so powerful. They not only affect us, but others as well. While we may make choices we think are right at the moment, we make then without considering the long term affects they will have on others. 

As I'm in the midst of the battle of feeling valued, I'm having to immerse myself in the word of God. I'm constantly reading scriptures that tell me how He sees me. I'm listening to music that reminds me I do have value. Sometimes a broken bone heals improperly and has to be broken again to be reset correctly. I am having to open old wounds and ask God to pour His oil of love over them so they can be healed by Him. I'm having to go through the list of "offenders" and ask God to show them to me as He sees them. As I'm going through each one I am beginning to see the wounds they carried and how those wounds were pivotal in the wounds and injuries they inflicted on myself and others. The phrase, "Hurting people hurt people" is definitely an understatement. 

I've asked God many times why He has placed me in a ministry that works with women who have been trafficked, prostitutes, strippers, alcoholics, and drug addicts. He is showing me that in my brokenness of feeling like I don't "fit" that I am most able to relate to these women. These too are women who have been treated as disposable. As I am speaking the word of God over them, I am also speaking it over myself. As I tell them they are loved, He is telling me I am loved. As I am accepting them just as they are, He reminds me of His acceptance, just as I am. Every time I tell them God has a plan for them, He is reminding me He has a plan for me. When I tell them they are worthy of love, He tells me I am worthy also. 

I shared the content of this blog with a friend via text message. She promptly replied, "I would never throw you away!" I thank God for the people He has brought into my life who love me just because they do. Not because of what I do or don't do for them, but just because they see I have value. The one thing I tell my daughters over and over is "I love YOU! Not what you do or don't do. Not because of what you wear or how you behave. I just love who YOU are." I want them to know they are worthy of love just because they are alive and God created them to be just the way they are. What I'm learning in this process I'm going through is God feels the same way about me. 

He loves ME.
He values ME.
He adores ME.
He created ME for a purpose.
He pursues ME.
He longs for ME.
He wants to spend time with ME.

Because what man may see as trash, He sees as His treasure.

When I don't fit in and I don't feel like I belong anywhere
When I don't measure up to much in this life
Oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ