Leaving a Legacy

 

    Today I had the honor to attend the funeral of a close friend's mother. Having known my friend for over a dozen years, I had interacted with his parents several times in the past. While I knew her in relation to him, I can't say I knew her in a deeply personal way. So my attendance at her funeral was to show support for my friend. 

               After today, I feel I know her much better. What I witnessed in person after person who stood up to share a story about Cindy is that she loved. Not only did she love others, she loved them like Jesus loved. Every person shared how she was always the first to welcome them somewhere, how she visited the elderly and the sick, how she showed hospitality to all. She sang with her siblings in a worship band, she played the violin, and even recorded albums. She shared her artistic gift with others not just through music, but also through her amazing artistic gift of painting. She made amazing floral arrangements. Several people commented how in all the hours they spent with her, they never heard her complain. Ever. 

            Many times we can question whether our lives are really making a difference to others. I can't speak for sure about Cindy, but if she was like most of us, she may have asked herself this question. Based on what I witnessed today, she made a major difference in the lives of those who had the honor to know her. She lived a life that was an example of Christ's love for others. And she made a difference in the life of her children. 

        As I mentioned, I know her son well. I first met Justin when we attended the same church many years ago. My first impression of him was ....he's the crazy guy dancing without restraint during worship. Now I see it is because of the unabandoned example he witnessed in his parents that he had the love of worship. We both went on a missions trip to Costa Rica and that is when our real friendship began. I saw him love on children who didn't speak the same language. I saw him give of himself to show Jesus to others. Not always when it was comfortable, but when it required sacrifice. Just like his Mom taught him. My daughters came to refer to him as "Uncle Justin" as he would come over often and be a friend to this single mom and her two kids. I think his love for children was probably also taught by his mom. 

    So what I know personally of Cindy, is the kind of man she raised. She succeeded in raising a son who loves Jesus and loves others, just as his mom taught him. For that, she has left a legacy to not just those who knew her, but to all those who know the son she raised. That is truly what leaving a legacy is about. Generations to come will rise up and call her blessed because of her love for the Lord. This is the legacy she has left and is the only one that matters. 

    Well done Cindy. 

Rest, But Don't Quit

     In 1 Kings, there are numerous stories of how Elijah is used by God to do great, powerful, mighty, supernatural things. He commands the weather in 1 Kings 17:1 by saying "there will be no dew or rain during these years except by MY command." (emphasis added) He is then guided by God to a place where he has access to water and is provided nourishment by the ravens bringing him food. When the water dries up for the lack of rain, that he commanded would happen, he is guided to a widow's house. While there, her supply of oil and flour multiplied so she never was out of supply. Her son passes away and Elijah raises him back to life. 

    Elijah leaves her house and then challenges the prophets of Baal to a "duel." God shows Himself real through Elijah in this encounter. Time after time God shows Himself to and through Elijah. Elijah was not unfamiliar with the realness of God. Elijah, of all people, knew the true God.  And yet....

    Elijah knew fear. Elijah knew exhaustion. Elijah knew doubt. Elijah knew frustration. After his encounter with the prophets of Baal, Jezebel tells him he will be just like them within a day's time. In other words, she said, by tomorrow, you will be dead. And he believed her. Elijah. Who has done all these mighty works through the word of GOD, hears the words of Jezebel and runs to hide. Oh dear Elijah, how I can relate to you. 

    In my 40 plus years of life, I have seen the power of God many times. I have seen people healed in ways doctors cannot explain. I have felt the presence of God so strongly I could not even stand. Working in ministry can be exhilarating, rewarding, and a great honor. But like Elijah, the word of the "world" can still cause me to want to run and hide. 

    Elijah runs after Jezebel's proclamation. He lays down under a broom tree and says "I've had enough. Just let me die." I think over this last year many of us have felt this same feeling. This is all too much. Just let it be over, in whatever way necessary. He saw God's people had abandoned their faith. They were not walking in the true ways of God (19:10). Elijah felt all alone in his faith and devotion to the true God. But don't stop with Elijah's story there. In response to his plea, an angel appears. The angel provides him with two days of water and food. God saw, and acknowledged Elijah's need for rest. He not only saw his need, but He supplied during his need. 

    GOD SEES YOUR NEED FOR REST. 

Once Elijah's strength is restored, God directs him to get up. Elijah's calling had not yet been completely fulfilled. Elijah is guided to find Elisha so he can pass his anointing on to someone else. Our experiences and walk with God are not simply for us. We are called to continue in our race until we have passed on our anointing to others. God will provide for us fresh nourishment to arise and complete this journey.

GOD WILL PROVIDE YOUR STRENGTH

God spoke to me today to stop beating myself up for resting. To stop feeling like a failure because those I've witnessed to have rejected His word and turned from truth.  He showed me, through scripture, that I am not the first person to feel like abandoning my calling and purpose. I can trust God to provide what I need to increase my strength to arise and continue this journey He has called me to. And if He will do it for Elijah, and for me, He can do it for you too. So rest, receive supernatural sustenance, and then arise. 

ARISE AND GO WITH GOD 

    

My Suicide Story

Today I heard the song Because He Lives. It's one I haven't heard in a while. Hearing it took me back to childhood and the many Sundays spent in a Southern Baptist Church. The lyrics are: 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives

As I sang along with the lyrics I've sung hundreds of time, I heard them in a new way. What stood out the most was, "LIFE IS WORTH THE LIVING JUST BECAUSE HE LIVES."

So many people I know are fighting depression and suicidal thoughts. You can't hear a medicine commercial without hearing about possible side effects including suicidal thoughts. Things people take to help with depression may cause suicidal thoughts.  Teenagers are attempting and committing suicide at astonishing numbers. Children still in ELEMENTARY school are killing themselves. What used to be a "grown up problem" is now an everyone problem. What leads someone to this place of wanting such a permanent way out of life? No hope. 

I was once there. I attempted suicide when I was 17.  I counted out 100 pills from various bottles in the medicine cabinet at my home. I took all of them. Within about an hour I started feeling very ill. My mom wasn't home at the time I took the pills. Intense vomiting had started before she got home. I didn't tell her what I had done so she assumed I had a virus. For the next 24 hours I continued vomiting. I don't remember ever having second thoughts about taking so many pills in order to kill myself. I only remember regretting it because I was so sick. Once they all worked their way out of my system, I was fine. At least physically. 

Why did I do that? I had no hope. I had no relationship with the only person who gives REAL hope. I attended church. That didn't mean I knew Jesus. All I saw was the situation around me. I felt the pain of my life. I was tired of feeling pain. I was tired of abuse. I was tired of shame. I was tired of being called names. I was just tired. I wanted rest. Even if that meant death. These feelings didn't go away. Several months later I had a nervous breakdown. I started crying one day and simply couldn't stop. This led to a two week stay in a mental hospital. Yes, the highlight of my senior year in high school was two weeks in a mental ward.

While there I met many amazing kids. I heard their stories. I remember one girl had a dad who had been featured on Unsolved Mysteries because he left for work one morning and simply disappeared. I remember Nadia, who was schizophrenic. Yes, over 25 years later, I remember her name. I learned things while there that have helped me numerous times over the course of my adult life. But those things never gave me true hope. 

I encountered true hope when I met Jesus. We seek so many things to give our lives meaning. We seek relationships, friendships, the latest phone, experiment with sex, alcohol, drugs, and so many other addictions. We even will have children thinking they will give our lives meaning. We place unrealistic expectations on others to make us happy and give us purpose. We seek and seek in vain. It is only through accepting Christ that we can find our true purpose and identity. It's because He lives that we can live too. You CAN face tomorrow when you have a relationship with Christ. All fear CAN be gone. When you know who holds tomorrow, you no longer have to worry about what you may face there. 

If you are battling depression, don't stop fighting. If you need a friend to listen, I'm here. Don't hide in the shame of your thoughts. Satan would love nothing more than for you to take action and cancel the plan God has for your life. Because Jesus lives, you can face tomorrow. If you don't know Him, I would love to talk with you more about who He is and why He loves you so much. 

Don't Baby Me

Last night my girls were invited by a friend to attend a service at a local youth retreat. They are close friends and were excited to go with her to this service. This morning I asked them about last night. My 13 year old explained how it was okay and they talked about some things they talk about at our church's youth group. She didn't sound too thrilled so I asked her to give me more details. She said, "Well, they brought up some subjects, but they didn't really SAY anything about them. They didn't talk to anyone specifically or say anything that would really help with those issues. I like that at our youth group, they don't talk to us that way." 

After some more questioning, I got to what she was trying to say. They watered down their message. At the age of 13, she didn't want to hear about anxiety. She wanted to hear what the word of God says about how to deal with anxiety. She didn't want to be "babied" by the word, she wanted the hard hitting truth. 

How many of us, as adults, are okay with being babied by the word? How quickly are we offended by those who speak the hard hitting, unadulterated TRUTH of God's word? Do we crave true intimacy with God? Intimacy requires time spent together. It requires honesty and openness to feedback. It requires us to be willing to allow God to speak to us as adults. 

Have you ever had to confront someone on an issue and they responded like a toddler? They yell, pout,  and then give the silent treatment simply because you challenged them on something. How often do we respond to God in the same way when He points out an issue in our lives. By the way, He usually uses other people to help point out those issues. Ouch! 

So Church, it's time for us to grow up. Stop being offended by your pastor (and others) who speak the truth of God's word. Stop looking for churches and leaders who will baby you. Grow up. There's a whole generation following behind who need us. 

My 13 year old gets it. Do you?

For HIS Glory

Today I was listening to a worship song and singing happily along with the lyrics. As many of us do, I was singing without truly paying attention to the words I was speaking. Then, as usually happens when Tasha Cobbs enters the music rotation, God starts speaking. Here is what I was singing. 

Lord if I
Find favor in Your sight
Lord please
Hear my hearts cry

I'm desperately waiting
To be where You are
I'll cross the hottest desert
I'll travel near or far

For Your glory
I will do anything
Just to see You
To behold You as my King

For Your glory
I will do anything
Just to see you
To behold You as my King

After making this bold, heartfelt declaration, I heard God say "Really? You'll do anything? What about in ________?" I am inserting a blank here because the area God pointed out is one in which I have been struggling. You can insert your area of battle here for the sake of this illustration. Also, it's really none of your business what God called out on me. But I'm digressing.

He asked me....if it's for MY glory, are you willing to continue the fight? Will you quit before I get the glory? OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

What if the very thing in life you are fighting is the exact thing God will use to bring glory to HIM? What will happen if you throw in the towel and quit? And I get it! Crossing the hottest desert and traveling near or far may seem like an easy option compared to the battle you are facing! Sign me up for the road trip any day! 

Even Jesus asked for God to "take this cup from me" (Matthew 26:39) as He was facing His death. Yet, He followed this cry by saying "Not MY will, but YOURS." When facing His biggest fight, He asked God to take it away. But He knew that taking the burden away was not why He was created. Taking the cross out of the picture would not bring God glory. Dying to self brings God glory! Let me say it again...

DYING TO SELF BRINGS GOD GLORY. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!

So I will keep fighting. I will continue in the place I have wanted to quit. Because I know it will bring Him glory. I just want to be where He is, and He's in the battle. He's in the places where I am tired. He's in the middle of it all. 

Click HERE to listen to For Your Glory by Tasha Cobbs Leonard.

The Theft of America's Soul by Phil Robertson

If I read a book in two days, it's a good book. I read this in less than two days. In this writing, Phil Robertson reminds of the lies of Satan we have believed and the truth God says that contradict these lies. Using ten points, just as there are ten commandments, Robertson addresses the biggest lies we as a country have believed. Starting with the lie that God is dead and working through the lie Christians should be quiet and stop speaking the word of God that is "offensive."

I have been challenged in this book to examine what lies I have believed personally. Have I given in to the lies of the world and not trusted the truth of God's word? If you don't want to be challenged to examine your Christian walk, then don't read this book. But if you want to live more like Jesus has commanded, then take this book to heart. It is full of scriptural references. The thoughts expressed are not simply those of the author. They are the thoughts and commandments of Jesus. This is also for those who are seeking truth. If you are struggling in areas of your life and want to know how to be free, this is also a great selection for you. Second to the Bible, of course. I would love to hear your thoughts on this book also!

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

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I Think You're Wrong (But I'm Listening) by Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silvers

In a time when our culture demands we choose a "side" and defend it without really listening to any opposing views, this book is much needed! The authors do not agree on all issues, but discuss how to listen to each other honestly and openly. If you've posted anything even remotely controversial on social media recently, you know many of us do not know how to conversate in respectful ways.

I found the subject matter relevant and educational. It is possible to not agree on a subject and yet still show respect and kindness to those who feel differently. It is biblically relevant as we are called to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit in our lives. This includes when we don't agree. The authors show how in order to grow in our faith, it is necessary for us to dialog and interact with those who have different backgrounds, cultures, and opinions than our own. This is how we will grow the Kingdom.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Still In The Game by Devon Still

Still in the Game is an autobiography about how one young man overcomes great obstacles to reach one of the pinnacles of sports achievement and how his faith came into play throughout his journey. In his book, Still shares how growing up with both parents involved in his life made a tremendous difference in the choices he made, in spite of his surroundings and what his peers were doing. He shares how seeds planted in his childhood helped him to keep his focus on God during trying times.

I found this selection very easy to read and I thoroughly enjoyed the story. As a football fan, I was familiar with Devon Still and the story of how his daughter fought cancer. However, reading this book allowed me to truly see his devotion and dedication to his daughter. I would highly recommend this book to others who are in need of inspiration to keep up their fight in life. It's very inspiring and Biblically sound.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

A Life Beyond Amazing by Dr. David Jeremiah

I found A Life Beyond Amazing to be a very challenging and Bible based book. The author walks through nine ways to improve your life and then supports each point with numerous Bible references.  I found the writing to be easy to follow along with and understand. 

None of the points made were new to me, but the author presented the material in a new way. If you've been a believer in Christ for even a short amount of time, you have likely also heard these points made. However, Dr. Jeremiah presents them in a way you will want to read. My favorite chapter is the one on compassion! Reading reinforcement that compassion is an action and not a feeling challenged me personally. Get your highlighter ready as you read.  There are many statements made you will want to remember! 

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Lessons from Beautiful Boy

Last night my husband and I went to see the movie Beautiful Boy. It's a story about drug addiction and the affects on both the user, and those who love them. It caused me to think of those I know personally who have passed away from their drug use. I thought of their parents. I had the realization of the emotions and things they experienced prior to their child's death as they watched their beautiful boy (or girl) turn into another person. 

The film also shows how a father will go to great lengths to find the son he once knew. This film is not intended to be a Christian film, but it definitely had spiritual parallels. I thought of how Jesus looks for us while we are lost in our sin. As the father told the son, "This is not who you are!" I recalled all the times God has spoken those words to me. Steve Carell did a wonderful job portraying the anguish a parent goes through as their child makes decisions that are not in their best interest. It was a small glimpse into how God must feel as we disobey Him and the things He has told us are good for us. We seek out things other than Him to fill the hole in our hearts. We strive to get the next "high" when nothing but His presence will truly satisfy. 

Many of us know the story of the prodigal son in the bible. I wonder if the father searched for his son. I wonder if he lost sleep due to his anxiety over where his son was and what he was doing. This film is the modern day prodigal son story, as told by the father. It's also a reminder of where our seemingly innocent choices can lead us to choices with far more dangerous consequences. Where are you in your walk today? Are you running from God in an attempt to get your next high? Do you feel a void inside that you just can't seem to fill? There is only one way to find true peace and happiness. Stop running and come home to Jesus. He's been watching and waiting for you. 

I Broke Up With Social Media

I have been active on social media for years. Most of my activity has been through Facebook, but I've dabbled in the worlds of Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram. They have provided me with a way to stay connected to many people. Or at least they have given the illusion of staying connected. The reality is, I'm less connected to people than I've ever been. It was only through disconnected that I realized how much time social media has been stealing from me.

A couple weeks ago my husband attended a week long men's retreat. Part of the retreat involved him not having access to his phone, computers, or any connections to anyone outside of the retreat. I decided to log off my Facebook for the time he was gone as a way to join him in this experience. I learned several things about myself during that week away from Facebook. The first realization occurred on the first day of my disconnection. It was the revelation of how many times a day I pick up my phone to scroll through my feed. I had logged out in order to not get notifications and also to stop myself from simply hitting the icon on my phone and seeing what was happening in the "world." I wish I could tell you it only happened once or twice that I picked up my phone and clicked that app. A more accurate number is closer to ten. That's ten times of attempting to open an app I had decided I was not using that week. If I did it that many times in a day when I was NOT using it, how many times a day did I do that when I WAS using it?

The second realization is how much more peaceful my world is without the constant barrage of bad news, bickering opinions, negative attitudes, and the overall gloom and doom of what people discuss online. Yes, I realize not everything is negative, however I have found an overwhelming majority of it is quite depressing.

The third discovery I've made is how much more time I have to do other things I enjoy. Since ending my affair with Facebook, I've read three books. I'm averaging about one a week. Previously I was averaging about one a month. I've cooked more dinners and spent more time with my family. Not only am I spending more time with them, but I'm more present in those moments. I've also realized I spend far more time in worship and prayer. I start my day with Jesus rather than with my newsfeed.

I am not completely disconnected from social media, but what I've learned over the last few weeks is that I don't NEED it as much as I previously thought. I was shown today how bad the addiction to social media can be. We took our daughters to see the latest version of The Grinch movie and while in the theater I witnessed a woman sitting near us on her phone browsing through her Facebook feed. She did this through almost the entire movie. Her addiction was so bad she could not even put it away long enough to watch an animated movie with her children. I can't say I've ever felt the need to read status updates while in a theater, but how many other moments have I not been present because of my attention on things that don't really matter?

I challenge you, yes YOU reading this, to take a break from social media. Sign off the app on your phone so that way you don't accidentally find yourself logging in and catching yourself ten minutes (or more!) later. I started this for just a week, but after a week found it is something I simply don't really need in my life. I would love to hear what you find time to do again without the distraction of social media in your life. I encourage you to ask God to show you what other time stealers are in your life. What is Satan using to distract you from what really matters?

Your Money, Your Marriage by Cherie and Brian Lowe

I have to admit a book tying together how improving your handling of money can increase your sex life in marriage had me feeling a little skeptical. However, the authors do a great job explaining how the two seemingly unrelated issues impact each other greatly.  The Lowe's give examples of ways they saw their marriage improve as they improved their communication over finances. The book provides very practical ways to initiate conversations about money and how you can show your spouse you care about their opinions, even when they differ. 

I found this book very helpful as the conversations about money are often very uncomfortable. The strategies given have proven very beneficial to my marriage. The authors have challenged me to examine my own spending habits and the ways I am working against the goals we have set as a couple. The wisdom given is not just good advice, it is also Bible based and Godly. I found this selection easy to follow along with and enjoyable to read! 

I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

I Am Number 8 by John Gray

I finished reading I Am Number 8 by John Gray today. I haven't posted a book review in a while, but felt this one was so good, I had to post one! I don't recall the last time I read a book that made me have to put the book down in order to process what I had just read. In so many ways I felt as if Pastor Gray was talking about and to me.

If you have ever felt overlooked and undervalued, then this book is for you. If you've felt different from your peers because of the call God has placed in your life, then this book is for you. If you have been called to a higher standard and struggle to understand the purpose why, then this book is for you.

Pastor Gray stays true to biblical principles by using the example of King David's life to show how we can be overlooked, the last thought of, and working in a menial task, but still be chosen by God to do great and mighty tasks. He uncovers the struggles we face by answering the call of God, and examples of how to handle various "giants" that come our way.

If you are a "Number 8" go get this book immediately!

FULLY Known

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything.”

—Tim Keller

One of my favorite songs at the moment is "Known" by Tauren Wells. I heard an interview with him about the song and he referenced the above quote as one of the motivations for the song. I love this song because it talks about how we are FULLY known by God, and He still loves us. It's ridiculous grace to be FULLY known and loved by the creator of the universe. 

I think one of our greatest fears as humans is if others truly knew us, they would no longer love us. It is the reason we lie. It is why we post only the highlights of our lives on social media. If people knew our struggles, our addictions, our pasts, our real thoughts, they may no longer love us. Honestly, would they really even LIKE us? We seek to please and impress rather than seek to be real. How often do you hear someone talk about why they like someone and they make the statement, "They're just so REAL!" We desire realness. Or at least perceived "realness." 

The reality is, we can never FULLY know someone. We only ever know someone to the extent they allow us inside. Even within marriage, we only know what our spouse chooses to share. What they do when we aren't around can easily be hidden. How they treat others outside of our presence, cannot be known by us. What we think about in the secret of the night and what we feel cannot be known unless we choose to share with others. 

But there is a God who knows it all. He knows more about us than we know about ourselves. The reasons why we do what we do? He knows. The things we do in secret? He knows. The family history we are ashamed to share? He knows. The thoughts we have that we would never dare speak? He knows. He knows it all. And yet He STILL loves us! No matter what we do, He continues to pursue us. We can run, and He still chases. He won't let go. This overwhelms me! 

I don't know what you are fighting right now. Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed and overlooked. Perhaps you have wanted a relationship with Christ, but feel you've done too much for Him to still love you. I can assure you, there is no height, nor depth, nor sin too great to separate you from His love. He ALREADY knows you FULLY! He's waiting for you to come to know Him. If you need prayer, please message me and I would be honored to pray with/for you. 

Hearing God's Voice

There was a time in my life where I knew I heard God. It was years ago. And then life happened. Changes came and responsibilities shifted and the thing that escaped me was my time spent with Him.  And then I couldn't hear Him any longer. He didn't move. I did.

Last week I committed to listening to a sermon a day in addition to taking time to read my Bible. I've asked God to show me He still speaks. And not just that He speaks, but that He still wants to speak to me. During worship on Sunday morning, I heard Him speak again. And He told me to write it down. Here is what I heard Sunday morning:

"When rains come, but nothing has been planted or sown, nothing can grow from the rain. The rain can saturate, God's presence can fill our lives, but if we haven't sown prior to the rain, there's nothing for God to grow fruit with. Sow in tears. Sow in heartbreak. Sow in tragedy. Sow in pain. Sow in praise. Sow in obedience. Sow even when you see no clouds coming. Sow when life is dry. Sow when you don't see the purpose. The seed never looks like what it will produce. Trust God enough to sow the seed no matter how fruitless it appears."

Then when the pastor preached, he confirmed some of these very things I "heard" during worship. Tonight, I had a very similar experience. Here is what I heard tonight,

Don't forget who I Am.

If you need a provider, I Am.

If you need a protector, I Am.

If you need a husband, I Am.

If you need to feel loved, I Am.

If you need a father, I Am.

If you need a healer, I Am.

I will be what you need and what you seek.

If you want a little God that is exactly what I will be to you.

If you seek a big God, a God of miracles, signs, and wonders, then that is WHO I AM.

I do not change. 

From the beginning of time, I have been all things. 

You change. You choose who I will be in your life.

Let me in to be all you need and more! 

Let me love on you.

Let me surprise you with the grandeur of who I Am.

Allow Me to open the blessings set aside for you.

I AM all you seek.

So seek ME FIRST!

During the message, one of the pastors shared the verse about seeking God first. I share all this to remind you if you haven't been hearing from God lately, look into your own life to see what changed. I had become so busy that I was not taking the time needed to hear Him above all the noise and obligations of life. I was not seeking Him first. He was more of an afterthought. As I have begun to put Him first again, I'm finding He is still speaking. And He is sending confirmation almost immediately after to confirm it IS indeed His voice I hear. 

I would like to challenge you to again seek Him. Listen to a sermon a day. It can be 20 minutes or an hour. Find one. I visit YouTube and search sermons. The options are plentiful! I would love to hear how God works in your life once you put Him first again! What is He speaking to YOU? 

Because Writing is My Therapy

I never knew a miscarriage would be so painful. Of course I could say I could "imagine" it, but that's a lie. Even though most of us know people who experienced this loss, until it is personal, there's no way to truly imagine how it feels. Whether the baby was planned or not, the idea of a new life joining the family is something you look forward to happening. In my situation, it wasn't just a loss, it was something that was pretty dramatic. Passing out at home, an ambulance ride, passing out several more times while in the emergency room, a surgery (and all that comes with being put to sleep for a surgery), and a hospital stay just added to what was happening. Tomorrow will be a week since this all happened. I'm still trying to process mentally and emotionally what happened. I have so many questions. Most I know will never be answered.

I am a person who rarely is home for longer than 24 hours at a time. Now, I don't want to leave my house. I ventured out of the house for the first time yesterday to go to a store. While there, I spotted someone I knew and immediately turned the other way to avoid having to speak to them. I don't want to see people and feel pitied or have to pretend everything is okay. I don't want the awkwardness of seeing people who knew I was expecting, but don't know what happened and so I'll have to tell them. Today my husband an I were touring a campground and walked into a room where someone had a small baby. I had to walk out because the tears came so quickly. I desperately want life to be "normal" yet nothing feels normal anymore. I know much of what is happening is due to the hormones that are going crazy in my body. The doctor explained how it's much like what happens after every pregnancy. But in this case, there's no new baby to remind me why this was all worth it.

To every friend and family member who has had a miscarriage, I'm so sorry I was not there for you. I'm so sorry I didn't realize how much this can change your life. It has been many of you who have messaged me and given me encouragement through this last week. It is a friend who has experienced this that was here with me when I passed out and she remained calm as she called 911.  In the last week I've learned of how many of you have walked this road. Thank you to each of you for sharing your stories with me. Thank you for encouraging me to feel whatever it is I feel. Thank you for not being the ones who have said stupid things that imply I somehow did something to cause this or that "maybe God was just saying you shouldn't have had that baby." (yes, I heard that exact thing).

What I can say I've learned in this last week is how much my husband loves me. If I ever doubted him, I can't now. He's been so patient and caring, even while I know he has been processing his own feelings. As he's been hurting too, he started working a second job so I can stay home and rest. When I had my moment today because I saw a baby, he hugged me and reassured me it was okay to be upset and to take all the time I needed to recompose myself. He's told me more times than I can count that I'm his champion. I am pretty sure he told all the people in the hospital that too. He's reminded me many times this was not my fault and there's nothing I did to cause this. I'm pretty sure every mom has these thoughts, no matter how much we KNOW it's not true.

While I may never understand the purpose of this, I do see how God has used this to draw us closer together and to strengthen our marriage. I know this is not the case with all couples. I know trials and loss can often destroy a relationship. I'm grateful that in our case, it has made us stronger. I trusted Jesus two weeks ago and I still trust Him now.

I don't really know the point of the post. I pray it will help someone who has been through this or who is going through this. I pray it will help someone who reads this and knows someone who is experiencing this and encourages you to think before you speak (PLEASE don't say anything to imply it was her fault) and helps you realize even if she seems ok, she's likely still hurting deeply. It's okay to acknowledge the loss. There was a life she carried and now she isn't. If she cries, it's okay. It's not you. She's just trying to find her normal again.

This Week Sucked

This isn't going to be a "pretty" post. When I struggle with my feelings and emotions, I find writing is a good way to work out what I'm feeling. Perhaps this should go into a journal and not out for the world to see. But maybe others are feeling as I am and maybe it will help them to know they aren't alone. 

Monday morning I checked my Facebook and the very first post I saw referenced a precious friend and it appeared the post was a "thanks for all the memories" post. My immediate thought was denial and this couldn't possibly mean what I thought it meant. So I viewed the friends page and saw other posts that seemed to confirm what I suspected. My friend had died. She was 33. She was healthy. This can't POSSIBLY be true. 

You see, my friend was amazing. She was loving. She was beautiful. She was vibrant. She was full of life! She was so many things I wished I could be when it comes to her boldness for telling others of Christ. She was the boldest, bravest, most loving person I've ever met. I remember the first time I met her. A friend of mine was having dinner with her to discuss a concert outreach she was planning called Invasion. My friend asked me to join him to take notes about what they discussed. We met at a small restaurant in Concord, NC for a meeting that would forever change my life. As she discussed her background and shared her testimony, I remember sitting at the table thinking...WHO IS THIS WOMAN!?!?!? I knew I was in the presence of someone great. What made her even more beautiful is she didn't know just how amazing she was. She was normal. She was full of life and love for everyone. I've known many preachers who, as they become more well known, develop an arrogance and inability to relate to people who aren't as "cool" as them. She never became that type of preacher.  In fact, her gift showed greatest not when she was on stage with a microphone, but when she was in the streets of Charlotte at 10 pm on a Friday night ministering to the homeless. It showed when she was searching everywhere for one particular homeless man that had stolen her heart. It showed as she would call numerous places in search of placement for someone who wanted help for their addictions. She would even drive them there personally if that is what it took. 

To find out she had left this world has been one of the biggest blows of my life. My opportunity of working with her is what led me to meeting the founder of Justice Ministries and my work with them. It led to me working with women who had been sex trafficked. If not for her, and for her embracing me in her ministry, my life may have taken a very different turn. We met at a time when I had recently quit my job in the corporate world and was asking God what I should do next. She helped me find that path. She encouraged me to continue writing. She was an example of what it means to truly be in love with Jesus. 

And now she's gone. 

So this week has been hard. I've felt guilty. Guilty because I haven't seen her in person in years, even though we often talked of getting together. Guilty that I knew she had been through a difficult time over the last couple years, but I didn't do more to reach out to her. Guilty that I didn't do more to make sure she knew how valuable she was to me. 

I've been angry. Angry at God. I trust in Him. I KNOW His plan is perfect. I know He would not have taken her home if it wasn't her time. But I'm selfish and I feel she should have had more time here. She shared Jesus with thousands.....tens of thousands....maybe even hundreds of thousands if not more. The world needed her here. Who will I text now about John Stamos, Johnny Cash, and other jokes we shared? I've been angry at my husband and kids. God bless them for living with me this week. 

I've been sad. Overwhelmingly sad. Crying every day sad. It just doesn't seem fair. I think of her mom. Oh, her sweet mom. How my heart breaks for her as she knows her daughter is now with the love of her life, but absent here. Sad at all she never got to do. Sad at the pain she must have been through over the last couple years and sad the ending was not a happy one. Sad I didn't get to see her more often. Sad her nephews will likely not have memories of her and how awesome she was. Sad she never had children of her own. 

And then I become angry again. I'm angry at those who speak slandering her and claiming that because she was human with weaknesses, she must have been fake about how she loved Jesus. Angry at people persistently asking me what happened to her and these people never even really KNEW her. It takes everything in me to not respond, "She DIED! That's what HAPPENED!" I know they don't understand I'm grieving. To me, she wasn't an evangelist. She was a friend. 

As I've been experiencing all these emotions this week, I did have a moment that made me smile today. 
I heard this song on the radio and as I listened to the words, I could hear her singing and I could see her dancing with Jesus as she sang. 

Alone in my sorrow and dead in my sin

Lost without hope with no place to begin

Your love Made a way to let mercy come in

When death was arrested and my life began

Ash was redeemed only beauty remains

My orphan heart was given a name

My mourning grew quiet my feet rose to dance

When death was arrested and my life began

Oh, Your grace so free

Washes over me

You have made me new

Now life begins with You

It's your endless love

Pouring down on us

You have made us new

Now life begins with You

Released from my chains I'm a prisoner no more

My shame was a ransom He faithfully bore

He cancelled my debt and He called me His friend

When death was arrested and my life began

Tomorrow I'll attend the celebration of her life. Honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. I don't WANT to tell her goodbye. I don't WANT this to be real. But I promised her I would see her soon, so I'll go. And I'll be thankful I had the privilege of knowing her. I appreciate that God granted me the opportunity to have her in my life. I am thankful for all she taught me and the way she has challenged me to be bolder. To not hold back in showing love to others, especially those who can never possibly repay me for that love. She has challenged me to tell others about Jesus and all He has done for me. Because there is still work to do. I know she would expect all who knew her,  to continue the work He started with her. To all those who knew her, I am praying for you. I hope this helps you to know you aren't alone. May we all reach out to others more.. May we all take the time to grab coffee or dinner instead of always just talking about doing it. May we all show love as Jesus did and she did. 

Fly high sweet Amy.