Give Me Faith

As much as I think I "know" about God, the more I realize I "know" absolutely nothing. Time and time again He has shown me how much greater His ways are than mine. And yet, I still fight Him on so many things! Am I the only one that sometimes feels like I was tricked into this Christian walk? I thought I simply said a prayer, got out of going to hell, and that was the end of the story. I don't remember signing up for this whole growth thing.

Change hurts. Change means losing people you thought were your friends. It often means losing your family. They don't understand you anymore, as if they ever did. The hardest growth has been learning to forgive. As I read the scriptures I've come to understand forgiveness is vital to this faith I claim to possess. If I am unable to forgive others, then I will not be forgiven. End of story. No further discussion allowed as to how good of a person I was otherwise, or how many meals I made for the meal train, or how many hours I've given to serving God. None of it matters if I refuse to forgive. Yet by choosing to forgive, I find I've grown even more. What has grown? My heart.

You see, when there was unforgiveness, my heart was hardened. I wasn't allowed to feel for certain people. To be honest it was hardened towards men and it all went back to the most precious of all relationships a girl can have. The relationship with her daddy.

No parent is perfect. Some make mistakes people would deem as unpardonable. Yet, there is no qualification in scriptures to what needs to be forgiven. We are simply told to forgive. No. Matter. What. So I did just that. I found forgiveness. We even spent Christmas with my Dad and it was better than I ever could have imagined. It was a time of healing. It was a time of relearning to trust. I had to fight back tears as I heard him tell Olivia that he loved her more than all the stars. And she has reminded me of this even after we have gotten home. Yes, Olivia, your papa loves you more than all the stars. I should mention here that Olivia does not know her father. That is a post for another time. So to see this relationship form and for her to have a man show her this unconditional, fatherly kind of love has been invaluable to me.

As I'm typing this, my dad is in the ICU at a hospital five hours away. A year ago, this news would not have really affected me too much. Not that I would not have cared, but I would have shrugged it off and said "ok, well let me know what happens." However, right now I want to be in my car driving to Georgia to be there. There is nothing I can do except trust God. In that statement is the realization that while I can do nothing, I can also do everything. Trusting Him is everything. Even when I'm weak, His spirit is strong in me. He will never fail me. Regardless of the outcome, He is still perfect in everything He does. His timing in all things is perfect even when we don't understand.

When we are faced with circumstances we do not understand is when our faith grows. So I pray for God to give me faith. Not just now, but in the future to continue doing the things His word instructs. Because what I'm learning is those commands lead to feeling, loving, and living more like Him.