This is Not a Test: Which Disciple Would You Be?

I often find it difficult to slow down when I read scripture. I find this especially hard when reading a story I've heard or read many times throughout my life. Today I was reading Matthew's account of the last supper. I'm sure it is a story many of us can recite from memory. If you've experienced communion, then certainly you know the details.

Part of the story involves the disciples arguing over which one of them would betray Christ. In the story told by Luke, the disciples basically begin by being concerned over who would be the worst of them and it turns into debating which of them are the greatest. Isn't that much like ourselves? When we come to Christ we feel like the worst of sinners, but then we begin comparing ourselves to those around us and start to think we might actually be the greatest in the Kingdom.

Each disciple is known for their flaws as well as their faith. Thomas for his doubt. Peter for his denial. And of course Judas for his betrayal. We often read of each disciple and find one we most identify with based on similarities in character. I know I have done it myself. In my reading this morning I was struck with a realization I had never considered before. As much as I hate to admit it, most of my life has been lived as Judas. 

Judas walked alongside Christ just as much as the other disciples. Judas gave up his way of life to be one of the chosen 12. Judas made many choices that showed his love of Jesus. His devotion was never questioned by the other disciples or else when Jesus said one would betray Him, they all would have immediately known it would be Judas. As I read, I have no doubt Judas loved Jesus. The problem was Judas was human. He had a weakness and satan knew all about that weakness. Judas was in charge of Jesus' finances and it was money that caused him to betray his Lord. When Jesus says, "...woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would have been better for that man if he had not been born," I think He knew of the torment Judas would feel after the betrayal had taken place. 

I know the guilt I have felt after I've deliberately sinned. When I have stumbled I wanted to run and hide from God rather than run to Him. I know the price that was paid for my freedom and yet many times I've chosen to betray His love for me. I have walked closely with Him and yet sold him for a fleeting moment of passion or worldly fun. 

But thankfully, my story doesn't have to end like Judas'. I want mine to end like Peter. While I may have denied Jesus on multiple occasions by my life choices, I want to finish my life living for Him and telling others about all He did. I want to perform miracles in His name. I want to follow Him to the grave and beyond. The guilt and shame may have overtaken Judas, but I refuse to let it overtake me. 

Which disciple "speaks" to you? If it is Judas, don't let your story end in guilt. Peter wept bitterly after his denial of Jesus. Weeping is good to cleanse us of the pain we feel after betraying the One who loves us most. However, weeping is only for a season. Get up and live your life in a way that will honor Him. Starting today.