Ready To Play Ball

I feel like it has been a while since I've truly written about what has been on my heart. I go through seasons of writing frequently and then a dry spell of not writing anything at all. But like a sickness that never leaves, the thoughts, emotions, and feelings eventually are too much to be contained. The urge to release the scrambled chaos within my brain is too strong to avoid any longer.

Most recently I've been processing my thoughts and feeling towards relationships. More specifically I've been wondering if it is feasible to maintain hope that "the one" is out there somewhere looking for me. I am intentional in stating "looking for me" because I know the scripture says "he who FINDS a wife". I know the order in which the search is supposed to occur. What I have found in my experience with the male species, is most of them expect a female to chase them. Wait. What? Yes. Maybe it has simply been due to my keen sense of attracting men who are not looking for a serious relationship. Or the ones that have a serious relationship and want to talk to me on the side.

I want to clarify I am not trying to bash men in any way here. I am simply sharing the things recently weighing on my mind. I do realize perhaps the lack of any male friendships or interactions has been God's way of protecting me from harmful relationships. For His protection I am truly thankful!

I'll be really honest. I'm fully aware of the picture seen when looking through the window into my life. Being a 30 something, single mom of two narrows down the relationship options tremendously. Especially when you add the 'devoted follower of Christ who is not willing to compromise myself just to have a date' tag to my description. Most of the "good" single Christian men are still in their 20's and definitely not interested in an older woman with bonus blessings in tow. Or maybe I just need to find another church.

To further raise the stakes in my dating scenario, I know God has a big call on my life. Despite, or perhaps because of, the testimony I have lived, the sins I have committed, the lessons I have learned, I know God wants me to be vocal about my past. This includes sharing my testimony in public. Very little of my past reads like a top ten list of qualities in a Godly wife you can be proud to bring home to mama. However, without my past I would not be who I am today. Without the lessons learned the hard way, oftentimes only passing on a retest, I would not have the first-hand knowledge of the God I serve. I would not be able to assure you of His transforming power if I had never lived it myself.

Through all my years of singleness, I have learned what it means to fully rely only on God to be my provider and my husband. I have been able to go through the healing process I so desperately needed. It is called a process because I experience days where the scars become more visible and the area around the wound tender.

So where does this leave me on the relationship playing field? Do you remember playing baseball when you were younger and there was always the kid hanging out the entire game in right field just waiting for a chance to get in on the activity? Occasionally some action happens out there.....a piece of trash blows across the field or a butterfly floats by. The butterfly looks pretty, but is not there to stay. The trash is what was discarded by someone else and has no use being on the field. This is how I feel. I'm at attention, glove ready, on my toes, just waiting for the ball to be hit into my side of the field. When it does, I will be ready and it will be beautiful.