I know it has been a while since I have written. To be quite honest, some things happened in my life a few months ago that left me reeling and in a real battle with God. I was angry at Him. No, I was pissed off. I was at a place of doing things "His" way and the result was not at all what I expected. I found myself questioning His goodness. I found myself questioning why I trusted "His" way. I thought that as long as I was playing by the "rules" then things would work out perfectly. Right? At least that is what I believed.
I haven't written during this time because I really had nothing to say. That's a lie. I had a LOT to say, but I didn't think any of it would be of any use to anyone. After all, what do I really know about anything? I stopped reading my bible. I stopped reading the daily devotionals I normally read. I still attended church and it was the one thing that truly kept me going over the last few months. I am thankful beyond words for the house in which God planted me earlier this year because without the strong word of God I hear there weekly, I am not to sure I would have made it though the last few months as well as I have.
What I have learned over this time is that God truly can take anything I can throw at Him. There is no anger too great. Even when I realized I was behaving like a 3 year old who didn't get my way, He still loved me. He has reminded me that His ways are always for my good. Even when those ways are not what I want or in the timing in which I want them. He has reminded me He is my forever provider. When all others in this world may leave me (and in one particular case without ANY explanation whatsoever), God is always here for me. Even when I don't WANT Him to be here. Honestly, there have been times I've asked Him WHY won't He just go away too? I mean seriously? Why doesn't He give up on me? It seems many others have? I mess up daily. I say and do things I vowed to never again say or do. And yet He remains faithful.
This is what humbles me.
He has reminded me of the dreams He has placed inside of me. He has reminded me of the "baby" He placed in my womb months, and even years ago. He has used my pastor to remind me of the process of labor. How the pain of transition is great, yet the result of the push is beyond words. I have seen how the last few months have been a time of transition. There were people, relationships, mindsets, and emotions that needed to be removed from my life. I don't claim to be completely out of this transition yet, but I'm feeling the time to push is just around the corner.
So for now I will just keep breathing. I will keep my focus on the Father.
2013 sounds like it's going to be a year of not just delivery, but FREEDOM!
