Lessons from Beautiful Boy

Last night my husband and I went to see the movie Beautiful Boy. It's a story about drug addiction and the affects on both the user, and those who love them. It caused me to think of those I know personally who have passed away from their drug use. I thought of their parents. I had the realization of the emotions and things they experienced prior to their child's death as they watched their beautiful boy (or girl) turn into another person. 

The film also shows how a father will go to great lengths to find the son he once knew. This film is not intended to be a Christian film, but it definitely had spiritual parallels. I thought of how Jesus looks for us while we are lost in our sin. As the father told the son, "This is not who you are!" I recalled all the times God has spoken those words to me. Steve Carell did a wonderful job portraying the anguish a parent goes through as their child makes decisions that are not in their best interest. It was a small glimpse into how God must feel as we disobey Him and the things He has told us are good for us. We seek out things other than Him to fill the hole in our hearts. We strive to get the next "high" when nothing but His presence will truly satisfy. 

Many of us know the story of the prodigal son in the bible. I wonder if the father searched for his son. I wonder if he lost sleep due to his anxiety over where his son was and what he was doing. This film is the modern day prodigal son story, as told by the father. It's also a reminder of where our seemingly innocent choices can lead us to choices with far more dangerous consequences. Where are you in your walk today? Are you running from God in an attempt to get your next high? Do you feel a void inside that you just can't seem to fill? There is only one way to find true peace and happiness. Stop running and come home to Jesus. He's been watching and waiting for you. 

I Broke Up With Social Media

I have been active on social media for years. Most of my activity has been through Facebook, but I've dabbled in the worlds of Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram. They have provided me with a way to stay connected to many people. Or at least they have given the illusion of staying connected. The reality is, I'm less connected to people than I've ever been. It was only through disconnected that I realized how much time social media has been stealing from me.

A couple weeks ago my husband attended a week long men's retreat. Part of the retreat involved him not having access to his phone, computers, or any connections to anyone outside of the retreat. I decided to log off my Facebook for the time he was gone as a way to join him in this experience. I learned several things about myself during that week away from Facebook. The first realization occurred on the first day of my disconnection. It was the revelation of how many times a day I pick up my phone to scroll through my feed. I had logged out in order to not get notifications and also to stop myself from simply hitting the icon on my phone and seeing what was happening in the "world." I wish I could tell you it only happened once or twice that I picked up my phone and clicked that app. A more accurate number is closer to ten. That's ten times of attempting to open an app I had decided I was not using that week. If I did it that many times in a day when I was NOT using it, how many times a day did I do that when I WAS using it?

The second realization is how much more peaceful my world is without the constant barrage of bad news, bickering opinions, negative attitudes, and the overall gloom and doom of what people discuss online. Yes, I realize not everything is negative, however I have found an overwhelming majority of it is quite depressing.

The third discovery I've made is how much more time I have to do other things I enjoy. Since ending my affair with Facebook, I've read three books. I'm averaging about one a week. Previously I was averaging about one a month. I've cooked more dinners and spent more time with my family. Not only am I spending more time with them, but I'm more present in those moments. I've also realized I spend far more time in worship and prayer. I start my day with Jesus rather than with my newsfeed.

I am not completely disconnected from social media, but what I've learned over the last few weeks is that I don't NEED it as much as I previously thought. I was shown today how bad the addiction to social media can be. We took our daughters to see the latest version of The Grinch movie and while in the theater I witnessed a woman sitting near us on her phone browsing through her Facebook feed. She did this through almost the entire movie. Her addiction was so bad she could not even put it away long enough to watch an animated movie with her children. I can't say I've ever felt the need to read status updates while in a theater, but how many other moments have I not been present because of my attention on things that don't really matter?

I challenge you, yes YOU reading this, to take a break from social media. Sign off the app on your phone so that way you don't accidentally find yourself logging in and catching yourself ten minutes (or more!) later. I started this for just a week, but after a week found it is something I simply don't really need in my life. I would love to hear what you find time to do again without the distraction of social media in your life. I encourage you to ask God to show you what other time stealers are in your life. What is Satan using to distract you from what really matters?

Your Money, Your Marriage by Cherie and Brian Lowe

I have to admit a book tying together how improving your handling of money can increase your sex life in marriage had me feeling a little skeptical. However, the authors do a great job explaining how the two seemingly unrelated issues impact each other greatly.  The Lowe's give examples of ways they saw their marriage improve as they improved their communication over finances. The book provides very practical ways to initiate conversations about money and how you can show your spouse you care about their opinions, even when they differ. 

I found this book very helpful as the conversations about money are often very uncomfortable. The strategies given have proven very beneficial to my marriage. The authors have challenged me to examine my own spending habits and the ways I am working against the goals we have set as a couple. The wisdom given is not just good advice, it is also Bible based and Godly. I found this selection easy to follow along with and enjoyable to read! 

I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

I Am Number 8 by John Gray

I finished reading I Am Number 8 by John Gray today. I haven't posted a book review in a while, but felt this one was so good, I had to post one! I don't recall the last time I read a book that made me have to put the book down in order to process what I had just read. In so many ways I felt as if Pastor Gray was talking about and to me.

If you have ever felt overlooked and undervalued, then this book is for you. If you've felt different from your peers because of the call God has placed in your life, then this book is for you. If you have been called to a higher standard and struggle to understand the purpose why, then this book is for you.

Pastor Gray stays true to biblical principles by using the example of King David's life to show how we can be overlooked, the last thought of, and working in a menial task, but still be chosen by God to do great and mighty tasks. He uncovers the struggles we face by answering the call of God, and examples of how to handle various "giants" that come our way.

If you are a "Number 8" go get this book immediately!

FULLY Known

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything.”

—Tim Keller

One of my favorite songs at the moment is "Known" by Tauren Wells. I heard an interview with him about the song and he referenced the above quote as one of the motivations for the song. I love this song because it talks about how we are FULLY known by God, and He still loves us. It's ridiculous grace to be FULLY known and loved by the creator of the universe. 

I think one of our greatest fears as humans is if others truly knew us, they would no longer love us. It is the reason we lie. It is why we post only the highlights of our lives on social media. If people knew our struggles, our addictions, our pasts, our real thoughts, they may no longer love us. Honestly, would they really even LIKE us? We seek to please and impress rather than seek to be real. How often do you hear someone talk about why they like someone and they make the statement, "They're just so REAL!" We desire realness. Or at least perceived "realness." 

The reality is, we can never FULLY know someone. We only ever know someone to the extent they allow us inside. Even within marriage, we only know what our spouse chooses to share. What they do when we aren't around can easily be hidden. How they treat others outside of our presence, cannot be known by us. What we think about in the secret of the night and what we feel cannot be known unless we choose to share with others. 

But there is a God who knows it all. He knows more about us than we know about ourselves. The reasons why we do what we do? He knows. The things we do in secret? He knows. The family history we are ashamed to share? He knows. The thoughts we have that we would never dare speak? He knows. He knows it all. And yet He STILL loves us! No matter what we do, He continues to pursue us. We can run, and He still chases. He won't let go. This overwhelms me! 

I don't know what you are fighting right now. Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed and overlooked. Perhaps you have wanted a relationship with Christ, but feel you've done too much for Him to still love you. I can assure you, there is no height, nor depth, nor sin too great to separate you from His love. He ALREADY knows you FULLY! He's waiting for you to come to know Him. If you need prayer, please message me and I would be honored to pray with/for you. 

Hearing God's Voice

There was a time in my life where I knew I heard God. It was years ago. And then life happened. Changes came and responsibilities shifted and the thing that escaped me was my time spent with Him.  And then I couldn't hear Him any longer. He didn't move. I did.

Last week I committed to listening to a sermon a day in addition to taking time to read my Bible. I've asked God to show me He still speaks. And not just that He speaks, but that He still wants to speak to me. During worship on Sunday morning, I heard Him speak again. And He told me to write it down. Here is what I heard Sunday morning:

"When rains come, but nothing has been planted or sown, nothing can grow from the rain. The rain can saturate, God's presence can fill our lives, but if we haven't sown prior to the rain, there's nothing for God to grow fruit with. Sow in tears. Sow in heartbreak. Sow in tragedy. Sow in pain. Sow in praise. Sow in obedience. Sow even when you see no clouds coming. Sow when life is dry. Sow when you don't see the purpose. The seed never looks like what it will produce. Trust God enough to sow the seed no matter how fruitless it appears."

Then when the pastor preached, he confirmed some of these very things I "heard" during worship. Tonight, I had a very similar experience. Here is what I heard tonight,

Don't forget who I Am.

If you need a provider, I Am.

If you need a protector, I Am.

If you need a husband, I Am.

If you need to feel loved, I Am.

If you need a father, I Am.

If you need a healer, I Am.

I will be what you need and what you seek.

If you want a little God that is exactly what I will be to you.

If you seek a big God, a God of miracles, signs, and wonders, then that is WHO I AM.

I do not change. 

From the beginning of time, I have been all things. 

You change. You choose who I will be in your life.

Let me in to be all you need and more! 

Let me love on you.

Let me surprise you with the grandeur of who I Am.

Allow Me to open the blessings set aside for you.

I AM all you seek.

So seek ME FIRST!

During the message, one of the pastors shared the verse about seeking God first. I share all this to remind you if you haven't been hearing from God lately, look into your own life to see what changed. I had become so busy that I was not taking the time needed to hear Him above all the noise and obligations of life. I was not seeking Him first. He was more of an afterthought. As I have begun to put Him first again, I'm finding He is still speaking. And He is sending confirmation almost immediately after to confirm it IS indeed His voice I hear. 

I would like to challenge you to again seek Him. Listen to a sermon a day. It can be 20 minutes or an hour. Find one. I visit YouTube and search sermons. The options are plentiful! I would love to hear how God works in your life once you put Him first again! What is He speaking to YOU? 

Because Writing is My Therapy

I never knew a miscarriage would be so painful. Of course I could say I could "imagine" it, but that's a lie. Even though most of us know people who experienced this loss, until it is personal, there's no way to truly imagine how it feels. Whether the baby was planned or not, the idea of a new life joining the family is something you look forward to happening. In my situation, it wasn't just a loss, it was something that was pretty dramatic. Passing out at home, an ambulance ride, passing out several more times while in the emergency room, a surgery (and all that comes with being put to sleep for a surgery), and a hospital stay just added to what was happening. Tomorrow will be a week since this all happened. I'm still trying to process mentally and emotionally what happened. I have so many questions. Most I know will never be answered.

I am a person who rarely is home for longer than 24 hours at a time. Now, I don't want to leave my house. I ventured out of the house for the first time yesterday to go to a store. While there, I spotted someone I knew and immediately turned the other way to avoid having to speak to them. I don't want to see people and feel pitied or have to pretend everything is okay. I don't want the awkwardness of seeing people who knew I was expecting, but don't know what happened and so I'll have to tell them. Today my husband an I were touring a campground and walked into a room where someone had a small baby. I had to walk out because the tears came so quickly. I desperately want life to be "normal" yet nothing feels normal anymore. I know much of what is happening is due to the hormones that are going crazy in my body. The doctor explained how it's much like what happens after every pregnancy. But in this case, there's no new baby to remind me why this was all worth it.

To every friend and family member who has had a miscarriage, I'm so sorry I was not there for you. I'm so sorry I didn't realize how much this can change your life. It has been many of you who have messaged me and given me encouragement through this last week. It is a friend who has experienced this that was here with me when I passed out and she remained calm as she called 911.  In the last week I've learned of how many of you have walked this road. Thank you to each of you for sharing your stories with me. Thank you for encouraging me to feel whatever it is I feel. Thank you for not being the ones who have said stupid things that imply I somehow did something to cause this or that "maybe God was just saying you shouldn't have had that baby." (yes, I heard that exact thing).

What I can say I've learned in this last week is how much my husband loves me. If I ever doubted him, I can't now. He's been so patient and caring, even while I know he has been processing his own feelings. As he's been hurting too, he started working a second job so I can stay home and rest. When I had my moment today because I saw a baby, he hugged me and reassured me it was okay to be upset and to take all the time I needed to recompose myself. He's told me more times than I can count that I'm his champion. I am pretty sure he told all the people in the hospital that too. He's reminded me many times this was not my fault and there's nothing I did to cause this. I'm pretty sure every mom has these thoughts, no matter how much we KNOW it's not true.

While I may never understand the purpose of this, I do see how God has used this to draw us closer together and to strengthen our marriage. I know this is not the case with all couples. I know trials and loss can often destroy a relationship. I'm grateful that in our case, it has made us stronger. I trusted Jesus two weeks ago and I still trust Him now.

I don't really know the point of the post. I pray it will help someone who has been through this or who is going through this. I pray it will help someone who reads this and knows someone who is experiencing this and encourages you to think before you speak (PLEASE don't say anything to imply it was her fault) and helps you realize even if she seems ok, she's likely still hurting deeply. It's okay to acknowledge the loss. There was a life she carried and now she isn't. If she cries, it's okay. It's not you. She's just trying to find her normal again.

This Week Sucked

This isn't going to be a "pretty" post. When I struggle with my feelings and emotions, I find writing is a good way to work out what I'm feeling. Perhaps this should go into a journal and not out for the world to see. But maybe others are feeling as I am and maybe it will help them to know they aren't alone. 

Monday morning I checked my Facebook and the very first post I saw referenced a precious friend and it appeared the post was a "thanks for all the memories" post. My immediate thought was denial and this couldn't possibly mean what I thought it meant. So I viewed the friends page and saw other posts that seemed to confirm what I suspected. My friend had died. She was 33. She was healthy. This can't POSSIBLY be true. 

You see, my friend was amazing. She was loving. She was beautiful. She was vibrant. She was full of life! She was so many things I wished I could be when it comes to her boldness for telling others of Christ. She was the boldest, bravest, most loving person I've ever met. I remember the first time I met her. A friend of mine was having dinner with her to discuss a concert outreach she was planning called Invasion. My friend asked me to join him to take notes about what they discussed. We met at a small restaurant in Concord, NC for a meeting that would forever change my life. As she discussed her background and shared her testimony, I remember sitting at the table thinking...WHO IS THIS WOMAN!?!?!? I knew I was in the presence of someone great. What made her even more beautiful is she didn't know just how amazing she was. She was normal. She was full of life and love for everyone. I've known many preachers who, as they become more well known, develop an arrogance and inability to relate to people who aren't as "cool" as them. She never became that type of preacher.  In fact, her gift showed greatest not when she was on stage with a microphone, but when she was in the streets of Charlotte at 10 pm on a Friday night ministering to the homeless. It showed when she was searching everywhere for one particular homeless man that had stolen her heart. It showed as she would call numerous places in search of placement for someone who wanted help for their addictions. She would even drive them there personally if that is what it took. 

To find out she had left this world has been one of the biggest blows of my life. My opportunity of working with her is what led me to meeting the founder of Justice Ministries and my work with them. It led to me working with women who had been sex trafficked. If not for her, and for her embracing me in her ministry, my life may have taken a very different turn. We met at a time when I had recently quit my job in the corporate world and was asking God what I should do next. She helped me find that path. She encouraged me to continue writing. She was an example of what it means to truly be in love with Jesus. 

And now she's gone. 

So this week has been hard. I've felt guilty. Guilty because I haven't seen her in person in years, even though we often talked of getting together. Guilty that I knew she had been through a difficult time over the last couple years, but I didn't do more to reach out to her. Guilty that I didn't do more to make sure she knew how valuable she was to me. 

I've been angry. Angry at God. I trust in Him. I KNOW His plan is perfect. I know He would not have taken her home if it wasn't her time. But I'm selfish and I feel she should have had more time here. She shared Jesus with thousands.....tens of thousands....maybe even hundreds of thousands if not more. The world needed her here. Who will I text now about John Stamos, Johnny Cash, and other jokes we shared? I've been angry at my husband and kids. God bless them for living with me this week. 

I've been sad. Overwhelmingly sad. Crying every day sad. It just doesn't seem fair. I think of her mom. Oh, her sweet mom. How my heart breaks for her as she knows her daughter is now with the love of her life, but absent here. Sad at all she never got to do. Sad at the pain she must have been through over the last couple years and sad the ending was not a happy one. Sad I didn't get to see her more often. Sad her nephews will likely not have memories of her and how awesome she was. Sad she never had children of her own. 

And then I become angry again. I'm angry at those who speak slandering her and claiming that because she was human with weaknesses, she must have been fake about how she loved Jesus. Angry at people persistently asking me what happened to her and these people never even really KNEW her. It takes everything in me to not respond, "She DIED! That's what HAPPENED!" I know they don't understand I'm grieving. To me, she wasn't an evangelist. She was a friend. 

As I've been experiencing all these emotions this week, I did have a moment that made me smile today. 
I heard this song on the radio and as I listened to the words, I could hear her singing and I could see her dancing with Jesus as she sang. 

Alone in my sorrow and dead in my sin

Lost without hope with no place to begin

Your love Made a way to let mercy come in

When death was arrested and my life began

Ash was redeemed only beauty remains

My orphan heart was given a name

My mourning grew quiet my feet rose to dance

When death was arrested and my life began

Oh, Your grace so free

Washes over me

You have made me new

Now life begins with You

It's your endless love

Pouring down on us

You have made us new

Now life begins with You

Released from my chains I'm a prisoner no more

My shame was a ransom He faithfully bore

He cancelled my debt and He called me His friend

When death was arrested and my life began

Tomorrow I'll attend the celebration of her life. Honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. I don't WANT to tell her goodbye. I don't WANT this to be real. But I promised her I would see her soon, so I'll go. And I'll be thankful I had the privilege of knowing her. I appreciate that God granted me the opportunity to have her in my life. I am thankful for all she taught me and the way she has challenged me to be bolder. To not hold back in showing love to others, especially those who can never possibly repay me for that love. She has challenged me to tell others about Jesus and all He has done for me. Because there is still work to do. I know she would expect all who knew her,  to continue the work He started with her. To all those who knew her, I am praying for you. I hope this helps you to know you aren't alone. May we all reach out to others more.. May we all take the time to grab coffee or dinner instead of always just talking about doing it. May we all show love as Jesus did and she did. 

Fly high sweet Amy.