Your Money, Your Marriage by Cherie and Brian Lowe

I have to admit a book tying together how improving your handling of money can increase your sex life in marriage had me feeling a little skeptical. However, the authors do a great job explaining how the two seemingly unrelated issues impact each other greatly.  The Lowe's give examples of ways they saw their marriage improve as they improved their communication over finances. The book provides very practical ways to initiate conversations about money and how you can show your spouse you care about their opinions, even when they differ. 

I found this book very helpful as the conversations about money are often very uncomfortable. The strategies given have proven very beneficial to my marriage. The authors have challenged me to examine my own spending habits and the ways I am working against the goals we have set as a couple. The wisdom given is not just good advice, it is also Bible based and Godly. I found this selection easy to follow along with and enjoyable to read! 

I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Because Writing is My Therapy

I never knew a miscarriage would be so painful. Of course I could say I could "imagine" it, but that's a lie. Even though most of us know people who experienced this loss, until it is personal, there's no way to truly imagine how it feels. Whether the baby was planned or not, the idea of a new life joining the family is something you look forward to happening. In my situation, it wasn't just a loss, it was something that was pretty dramatic. Passing out at home, an ambulance ride, passing out several more times while in the emergency room, a surgery (and all that comes with being put to sleep for a surgery), and a hospital stay just added to what was happening. Tomorrow will be a week since this all happened. I'm still trying to process mentally and emotionally what happened. I have so many questions. Most I know will never be answered.

I am a person who rarely is home for longer than 24 hours at a time. Now, I don't want to leave my house. I ventured out of the house for the first time yesterday to go to a store. While there, I spotted someone I knew and immediately turned the other way to avoid having to speak to them. I don't want to see people and feel pitied or have to pretend everything is okay. I don't want the awkwardness of seeing people who knew I was expecting, but don't know what happened and so I'll have to tell them. Today my husband an I were touring a campground and walked into a room where someone had a small baby. I had to walk out because the tears came so quickly. I desperately want life to be "normal" yet nothing feels normal anymore. I know much of what is happening is due to the hormones that are going crazy in my body. The doctor explained how it's much like what happens after every pregnancy. But in this case, there's no new baby to remind me why this was all worth it.

To every friend and family member who has had a miscarriage, I'm so sorry I was not there for you. I'm so sorry I didn't realize how much this can change your life. It has been many of you who have messaged me and given me encouragement through this last week. It is a friend who has experienced this that was here with me when I passed out and she remained calm as she called 911.  In the last week I've learned of how many of you have walked this road. Thank you to each of you for sharing your stories with me. Thank you for encouraging me to feel whatever it is I feel. Thank you for not being the ones who have said stupid things that imply I somehow did something to cause this or that "maybe God was just saying you shouldn't have had that baby." (yes, I heard that exact thing).

What I can say I've learned in this last week is how much my husband loves me. If I ever doubted him, I can't now. He's been so patient and caring, even while I know he has been processing his own feelings. As he's been hurting too, he started working a second job so I can stay home and rest. When I had my moment today because I saw a baby, he hugged me and reassured me it was okay to be upset and to take all the time I needed to recompose myself. He's told me more times than I can count that I'm his champion. I am pretty sure he told all the people in the hospital that too. He's reminded me many times this was not my fault and there's nothing I did to cause this. I'm pretty sure every mom has these thoughts, no matter how much we KNOW it's not true.

While I may never understand the purpose of this, I do see how God has used this to draw us closer together and to strengthen our marriage. I know this is not the case with all couples. I know trials and loss can often destroy a relationship. I'm grateful that in our case, it has made us stronger. I trusted Jesus two weeks ago and I still trust Him now.

I don't really know the point of the post. I pray it will help someone who has been through this or who is going through this. I pray it will help someone who reads this and knows someone who is experiencing this and encourages you to think before you speak (PLEASE don't say anything to imply it was her fault) and helps you realize even if she seems ok, she's likely still hurting deeply. It's okay to acknowledge the loss. There was a life she carried and now she isn't. If she cries, it's okay. It's not you. She's just trying to find her normal again.

A Gift From God

If you have children, you have likely experienced the following scenario: 

It's December. There is the ONE toy your child has decided would make their life complete. All you hear about is this toy. Then the day comes. It's Christmas morning and you are giddy yourself as you wait for them to get to the ONE present they have been begging to receive. When they open it, they jump up and down and shout excitedly. They can't wait to tear open the box and begin their new adventures with their gift. And then January comes. You are hearing how your child is bored and there's nothing to do. So you ask what happened to their gift. If you are lucky, they know where the gift is, but sometimes they can't even find where they placed the gift. 

Sadly, I think this scenario could also describe the gift of a spouse. Once upon a time, you viewed your spouse as being a gift from God. Don't laugh. If you don't consider them a gift, you likely would have never married them. If you never considered them a gift, then I would wonder why you would marry someone who wasn't sent from God. However, that's something for another post.

When you were single, you begged God to send you a spouse. He heard your prayers and He excitedly watched as your wedding day arrived and you received the gift He'd given you. You were just as excited as a child on Christmas morning. You may have even jumped up and down and shouted excitedly! But then "January" came. And you somehow forgot all about your gift. 

I have to admit, there was a time I saw my husband as a gift from God. However, somewhere along the way, I forgot. In the monotony of life, he became someone who left his dirty towels on the floor and his dishes on the coffee table. That's hardly what I would call a gift. And that is where I focused. It's like the toy that requires batteries, and unless you replace them, it will not work. It's the puzzle that looked fun in the box, but now you realize it's work to put it together so it matches the picture you've been shown (let that one sink in). 

Recently I felt bored and frustrated with my husband. Our schedules of work, dishes, dinners, laundry, kids, and the other activities of life, had become bigger than the gifts of each other. Not only did I stop seeing the gifts in him, I had stopped seeing the gifts in myself. I stopped writing and I resigned from the ministry I worked with for several years. I saw the "box" of the puzzle and asked God why my life wasn't matching the picture He had shown me several years ago. What He showed me was that I had not even taken the pieces out of the box! How can I expect the picture to match when I have not done the work of assembling the pieces? I had received the gift, but had I even truly opened that gift? Perhaps I was still fascinated with the pretty wrappings, and had yet to get to the REAL gift that is my spouse. 

Are you bored in your marriage? Have you lost excitement over the gift that is your spouse? It's very easy to do! Assembling a marriage in a way that matches the picture God painted is work. It's tearing down the pictures of marriage that are painted by the world. It's not marriage as defined on reality television. It's not recreating the marriages of your parents. In this day and age, that marriage likely ended in divorce, so why would you want to recreate that anyway? 

What are the gifts in your spouse that attracted you to them when you first met? What gifts are in you that you have hidden in the closet due to the daily activities of life? What gifts have been bestowed on you by your loving Abba God that you have forgotten or neglected to notice or show care? Why not pull those gifts out. Put in the new batteries needed to give it new life. Take the pieces out of the box and begin assembling the picture God showed you. I know this is not always easy, but with God, truly, all things are possible. 

How Do You Trust Again?

Trust is a crazy thing. When we are younger, we have to trust others in order to survive. We don't even realize we are trusting another person, it just happens naturally. However, as we grow older, we realize trust is not always a guarantee of someone upholding their responsibility. What happens over time is our ability to trust diminishes. As much as we want to trust others, our past disappointments cause us to question everything or doubt others will do what they've promised to do.

Broken trust in relationships has damaging effects. Sadly, it is usually not the person that broke the trust that pays the price of the let down, but the person who comes after the one who was untrustworthy. This is by far the greatest issue I have had to face within marriage. I spent many years single because I was not ready to trust anyone with my heart. I prayed many times asking God to heal me of the wounds others had inflicted through abandonment and abuse. When it comes to our issues, it is easy for us to think we have healed.....until we have to face our issues head on. When you are single, you don't have to trust anyone. Within marriage, trust is everything.

So the dilemma for me now really isn't about trusting my husband. It comes down to asking myself, "Do I trust God?" I know I do. I've trusted Him many times when making decisions that make little or no sense to me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt He told me to marry the man who is now my husband. I had, and still have, peace about that decision. And yet, that doesn't mean doubt will not still creep into my mind. I will see or hear things and due to my past, my perception of these things will cause me to question what I'm seeing. While it is important to move on from our pasts, it is also the things from our past that can cloud our perception and judgement.

The question that remains is this: How do we move forward? I wish I had an easy answer. I don't. When it comes to trusting again, there is nothing easy about the process. Trust involves risk. It involves allowing yourself to be vulnerable. It means you have to believe in the goodness of another person enough to let them into the places you have kept locked. It means seeking God often to remember where your trust ultimately lies. It is remembering Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.

If you've overcome trust issues, I would love to hear from you! How did you learn to trust again? 

House Under Construction

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” Matthew 7:24-27

Remodeling is often done when something looks okay, but is not quite functional any longer or a new design is desired. Perhaps some repairs need to be made so a new plan is drawn up and changes begin to be made. If you have ever done any kind of remodeling, then you know the process can be messy. Before anything begins to take the form of the desired plans, it appears as a mess and you can wonder how anything beautiful can come from what you see in front of you. You know the vision you have for how you want the finished product to appear. You have designs, floorplans, and everything else needed to complete the project. What is missing is the time and work necessary to bring the vision to fruition. So patience is required. 

As a newly married woman, I'm coming to understand how a new marriage is very much like a remodeling project. It is the tearing down of two separate homes and combining them into one home. And it isn't always clean or pretty. We each have "foundations" of the previous lives we led. In order to successfully combine them into one new foundation, we have many walls to tear down. Walls previously built to protect the old homes are the same walls that could destroy the new home. Life changes require demolition of the old in order to transform into the new. 

The process of change is often why people remain where they are even if they know a change is needed. Sometimes we would prefer to patch the current issues in life rather than undertake the work and process of true repair. We can tell ourselves an issue is not really all that bad, but all the time we live in denial, the minor issue is causing problems throughout the whole house. When building a new house, we have to ensure the ground on which we are building is not contaminated by things from the past. To build a home on ground that has not been tested for its stability would just be crazy! And yet, many times in life, we do just this very thing. 

Is there an area in your life in need of construction? Are you avoiding the problem in hopes it will just go away? Are you attempting to build a new house on an old foundation? Have you taken the time to examine your foundation at all? Even though the process of this marital renovation has had its share of dirt and mess, I know the end result will be something beautiful. When I read scripture, I'm given the final blueprints for the design the Master Builder originally intended. I can trust the architect of all things good to work things out as long as I'm willing to be patient with the process. Have you given Him control of your process? Have you handed over the design for your life to the One who created life itself? 

When you choose your foundation wisely, no mess or storm can destroy what is build upon Christ. 

I Have Issues

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and a sound mind." 

2 Timothy 1:7

Have you ever felt you were healed of an issue only to discover you still had more healing to do? This is the reality that has been staring me in the face lately. I was naive enough to believe I had dealt with the trust issues I had....and then I had to actually trust someone. It's easy to think we have dealt with our issues if we never are in situations that cause us to face our issues. I'm finding marriage causes me to face not just this issue, but all of my issues. Whether it's trust, abandonment, doubt, or any of my other issues, I'm beginning to understand all of them go back to one root. The root of them all is fear. And fear is never from God. 

"There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because He first loved us." 

1 John 4:18

I'm reminded daily that to love perfectly is to trust. I love God. And I trust Him. There are many times I don't understand why He does what He does, but I trust His ways are greater and wiser than mine. Having been single and on my own for most of my life, it's a process to transfer this kind of trust to another human. Because most of the people I chose to trust in the past let me down greatly. And that statement is something God just revealed to me as I typed. They were the people I CHOSE to trust. My choosing in the past was all made on my own. I didn't seek God's help in making decisions. Things are drastically different now! 

I married my husband shortly after we met. I realized this past week we have been married for longer than we dated. Very little about our relationship has gone according to my plan. I was always afraid to let down my wall enough to allow anyone inside. Yet, when I met my husband, I knew it was time to choose to give him a chance. God gave me complete peace about moving forward with the decisions we made. And I have to ask him to remind me of this peace when my issues arise and cause me to feel anxious. 

An issue arose yesterday that caused me to overreact to something. Later in the day my husband said how thankful he was for me and how much he appreciated me. I made a comment about what happened earlier in the day. His response floored me. He said, "I know this is one of your issues. And I don't know how to fix it. I can't take away the hurt others caused you. But what I can do is love you even with these issues. Until death do we part. Because that is what I promised." He has no idea the impact his seemingly simple words had on me. 

Perfect, Christ-like love, casts out fear. I saw my husband look like Christ yesterday. Because God loved us, we can learn how to love. Because I trust God, I can trust His plan in choosing my husband. So as I'm learning to trust a human, I fall back on my trust of God. I know His plan for me is good and not to harm me. 

Is there an area in which you are experiencing fear? Are you having to confront your issues? I pray you call on the name of your Father when stress and anxiety begin to arise in your life. Don't let the enemy steal any more time from you because of fear.