Like a Convict

Imagine this scene: 

A courtroom. 

Overwhelming evidence of guilt.

You are on trial and you know you are guilty of every charge brought against you. Not just of these charges, but also of crimes nobody else knows you committed. You know you have arrived at this moment fairly and it was only a matter of time before the real you was discovered. 

As you stand to hear the verdict, you hold your breath in anticipation of the sentence. You hear the words...

NOT GUILTY. All charges dismissed. 

How would you react in the above scenario? I believe I would collapse in shock and relief. How could I be found innocent when there is proof of my crimes? How can I not have to pay retribution for my evil? I would ask the judge and jury for clarification. So let's imagine again...

The judge turns to you and points to a man sitting in the corner. You had not paid much attention to him throughout your trial. You assumed he was another reporter or spectator who came to hear of your failures. As the man slowly stands, as if in pain, you notice the blood. You couldn't see it before the verdict was read, but now it's flowing down his face. You lean closer to get a better look at him and notice his clothing has changed. He was dressed in ordinary clothes throughout your trial, but now he is in torn rags. He begins to limp towards you. You observe he now has wounds that should make him unable to move! 

You become panicked as you are trying to understand why this man is here and what does he have to do with your situation. The judge says your name several times to get your attention. He asks if you have ever seen this man before. You search your memory, but are pretty sure you would remember seeing someone like him. But there is really nothing memorable about his face. You wouldn't notice him now if not for his beaten appearance. You respond in denial of knowing him and ask the judge to tell you more. 

The judge begins to tell you of all the man has been through. He tells you of the beatings. He tells you of the names the man has been called. He tells you of the pain he has endured. You know all you have done wrong, but were found not guilty. What horror must this man have committed in order to be treated so horribly! So you ask the judge what the man did to deserve such abuse. 

The judge hangs his head and with a sigh he responds, "Nothing. This man did absolutely nothing to deserve this punishment. But you did. Everything that happened to him was what the jury had sentenced for you. But he volunteered to take your place." 

You turn from the judge to see the man is now standing next to you with His hand extended. Breathless with tears flowing from your eyes, you take His hand. There are so many questions you want to ask, but you can't find words to speak. The emotions you feel are endless. You somehow find the breath to ask, "Why?" This man you have never met has taken the punishment you deserved. You have been given freedom despite the offenses you have committed. The look on your face begs Him to say something. After what seems an eternity of silence, He speaks. 

"I did this because I love you. I've loved you with an everlasting love. Before the world was formed, I knew you would be born at this time and I knew the crimes you would commit. I knew the wages of your crimes was too much for you to carry. So out of my love for you, I left my palace to be with you. That's right, I'm no ordinary man. I am a King. I am Royalty. But no Kingdom would be complete without you, my child, being there. I have come to save you and give you a new life. Not the life you have lived that led to this trial, but a life of joy, peace, and righteousness. These are the fruits of living in my Kingdom. Will you come live with me?"

Can you imagine this story? 

It's a true story. It's exactly what Jesus did for each of us. What we deserved in judgement, He received the punishment so we could be free. I know I can go through my daily life and forget where I should be and yet I'm free. I'm free from the person I used to be. I'm free from the sentence I deserve. When satan attempts to remind me of my crimes, Christ reminds me I am not guilty in Him. 

There is yet another element to this story. If after experiencing the above acquittal, would we continue living as we lived before? Would we walk out of the courtroom and go directly back to the life that led us to the trial in the first place? Or would we walk away thankful for new freedom? If you have experienced salvation through Christ, are you living as if you were free? Or are you continuing to live in the same way you lived before knowledge of Christ? Do you live the same way because you know you are forgiven and use that as your excuse to live in a way you know you should not live. Have you asked God for His opinion on the choices you make? Have you invited Him in your life not just as a spectator, but as a guide? 1 Peter 2:16 tells us, "Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God."

 Stop living like a convict when you have been found NOT GUILTY.

One Man's Trash.....

Sometimes I think I can be a little too honest. Not the kind of honest most people claim to be when they tell others what they really think, but in reality are being hurtful. I'm honest about myself. I'm honest about my past. And I'm learning to be more honest about my present. As my pastor recently said, "Everyone loves to hear about our struggles before we came to know Christ, but nobody wants to hear about how we struggled last week." I'm learning in my walk with God that as He brings awareness and healing to one area of my life, there is always something else waiting in line to be dealt with next. When God is dealing with me, the outlet I find is through writing about what He is showing me. I believe if there is an area in which I struggle, then there has to be at least one other person who battles the same thing. So here's where, yet again, I get very real. 

I feel disposable. Disposable is defined in the adjective meaning as, "intended to be used once, or until no longer useful, and then thrown away." When used as a noun it means, "an article designed to be thrown away after use." To say I feel disposable seems like such a harsh thing to say. It pains me even to type the words. However, as I've been reflecting over the relationships I've had in my life, I can't help but feel as if most people have viewed me in just this way. 

In my youth my parents always made a mate in their life a priority over me. My dad left and remarried and I became the stereotype of a stepchild. My mom's boyfriend was an alcoholic who frequently called me names and threatened physical violence. I was told many times, "Once you do this, then no good man will ever want you." So I believed it. The list of men who used me and "disposed" of me is long. Even the men with whom I have birthed children do not speak to me. We can be in the same room and I barely get a hello. I have family members who have "disowned" me over something that happened with another family member several years ago. Although I have made an effort to reach out and re-establish contact with them, these requests have been ignored. When a sibling divorced, her husband, whom I've known my entire life, stopped speaking to me and has carried on his life as if I've never existed. This was the one man, who for over 30 years was the only constant male present in my life. There have been friendships that were ended with a simple, "I can't be friends with you anymore because you don't do _____ for me enough." Even pastors, who have preached to me about my value, have heard a rumor that I was leaving the church and dismissed me with a simple, "Good luck" email. These are just a few of the examples of why I fight the battle I fight. 

These are also the reasons why I keep up a pretty good wall. God is showing me more and more of how I'm keeping people out and how this is not His plan. He's revealing to me that none of the above mentioned events were ever a part of His plan. His plans are never to harm us. Some of the events came about as the result of my own choices, while most were the results of the choices made by others. This is why our choices are so powerful. They not only affect us, but others as well. While we may make choices we think are right at the moment, we make then without considering the long term affects they will have on others. 

As I'm in the midst of the battle of feeling valued, I'm having to immerse myself in the word of God. I'm constantly reading scriptures that tell me how He sees me. I'm listening to music that reminds me I do have value. Sometimes a broken bone heals improperly and has to be broken again to be reset correctly. I am having to open old wounds and ask God to pour His oil of love over them so they can be healed by Him. I'm having to go through the list of "offenders" and ask God to show them to me as He sees them. As I'm going through each one I am beginning to see the wounds they carried and how those wounds were pivotal in the wounds and injuries they inflicted on myself and others. The phrase, "Hurting people hurt people" is definitely an understatement. 

I've asked God many times why He has placed me in a ministry that works with women who have been trafficked, prostitutes, strippers, alcoholics, and drug addicts. He is showing me that in my brokenness of feeling like I don't "fit" that I am most able to relate to these women. These too are women who have been treated as disposable. As I am speaking the word of God over them, I am also speaking it over myself. As I tell them they are loved, He is telling me I am loved. As I am accepting them just as they are, He reminds me of His acceptance, just as I am. Every time I tell them God has a plan for them, He is reminding me He has a plan for me. When I tell them they are worthy of love, He tells me I am worthy also. 

I shared the content of this blog with a friend via text message. She promptly replied, "I would never throw you away!" I thank God for the people He has brought into my life who love me just because they do. Not because of what I do or don't do for them, but just because they see I have value. The one thing I tell my daughters over and over is "I love YOU! Not what you do or don't do. Not because of what you wear or how you behave. I just love who YOU are." I want them to know they are worthy of love just because they are alive and God created them to be just the way they are. What I'm learning in this process I'm going through is God feels the same way about me. 

He loves ME.
He values ME.
He adores ME.
He created ME for a purpose.
He pursues ME.
He longs for ME.
He wants to spend time with ME.

Because what man may see as trash, He sees as His treasure.

When I don't fit in and I don't feel like I belong anywhere
When I don't measure up to much in this life
Oh, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ

The Prodigal by Brennan Manning and Greg Garrett

The Prodigal is a very well written, modern day version of one of the best stories told in scripture illustrating the love of God towards His children. The authors take the story of a son who is loved, who travels away from home, loses his way, and has a father who is waiting for his return. The authors tell the story in a way to make it recognizable as the parable in the Bible, but with enough liberties to bring the story to a situation that could happen easily in today’s society.

Having attended a church similar to the one pastored by the main character, there were many similarities to his personality in the beginning that I have experienced personally. Many of us have witnessed the “fall” of pastors who have been elevated to super-human status. The Prodigal tells a story of what can happen when one of these pastors is forced to face his own humanity and is forced to live out what he has been preaching. At the same time he learns things about Christ and the love of a father he has never personally experienced before.

I found The Prodigal a very enjoyable read and recommend it for anyone who may be struggling in their faith after making choices that have hurt themselves or others.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com® <http://BookSneeze.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”